No Easy Answers
by Ronda Sexton
Summary: An AU Look at 30 Days. Tom's health is put in danger by being in the brig. During the 30 days, Tom searches for answers. Feedback is always welcome.
1. Chapter 1

Title: No Easy Answers

Author: Ronda Sexton

Rating: T (PG13)

Summary: AU look at 30 Days.

Tom sat nervously on his cot in the brig. He tried to slow his breathing as he thought of spending the next 30 days confined in this tiny room. Unlike the two times he had spent in solitary confinement in Aukland, there would be no recreation breaks that Federation Penal colonies were required to give. Those one hour breaks during the two four day terms he had served in solitary had help to ease his claustraphobia. He didn't know if he could take thirty days in the tiny brig cell and still be sane...

He looked up as the forcefield deactivated and the Doctor stepped inside.

"Hey, Doc, what's up?" he asked.

"I have to give you a check up. As I will once a week until you are out of the brig, Tom," replied the Doctor softly.

He began scanning Tom, watching the readings carefully. "Hmm, your blood pressure seems to be slightly elavated, but considering the confrontation with the Captain, that is not to be unexpected. I will see you in a week."

The guard deactivated the forcefield and the Doctor strode out. He was concerned that Tom seemed to be very stressed. Much more so than would be expected. Time would tell...

Ayala watched in concern as Tom Paris beat the air with his hands, evidently caught up in the throes of a vivid nightmare.

"Daddy, I'm sorry, please let me out." Tom cried as his hands seemed to beat against something as he lie prone on his back. "Daddy, I will study. Please, I'm scared! Let me out!" Tom let out a terrified scream and sat bolt upright on the cot. He was breathing heavily and Ayala thought for a few minutes that he might have to summon the Doctor.

"You okay, Paris?" he asked softly. Orders were no non-essential conversation with the prisoner, but he needed to know.

Tom nodded shakily and walked to the semi-hidden cubicle to relieve himself and splash some cold water on his face. It had been a long time since he had that particular nightmare. He forced the horrible memory back down and returned to his cot.

Ayala logged the incident. He hoped that it was going to be an isolated occurance, but if it wasn't, it would documented.

Tom buried his face in his pillow. He was tired and wanted to sleep, but he also had no desire to relive that nightmarish experience again. Eventually exhuastion won out and he dozed off.

Ayala watched him carefully for signs of restlessness...

During the Gama shift, Ayala witnessed Tom appearantly going through the same nightmare two more times. He logged each incident and sent the report to Lt. Tuvok.

Tuvok read the report carefully. Tom's first night in the brig had been less than pleasant. He had to wonder if the event Tom was reliving had been real or just from the stress of the brig. He knew Admiral Paris had been very hard on his son, even more so after he had been rescued from the Cardassians. The Doctor's initial health assessment had shown a slightly elavated blood pressure and a significant elevation of Tom's stress levels.

Every night it was the same. Ayala had to watch helplessly as Tom suffered through more nightmarish episodes. He was now having them almost hourly. It had been a hellish week. Ayala had enjoyed Gama shift before this. He logged each nightmare and sent the end of shift report to Tuvok. The Doctor would examine Tom on Alpha shift. Perhaps there was some sort of medication the Doctor could give him. Ayala didn't think Tom could take much more. He was deathly pale and the dark circles under his eyes made him look as if he had been beaten. Something had to give.

Tom pushed the leola root around on his plate. He had gotten it for most of his meals. Basic nutritutional foods were what he was allowed. He longed for some pizza or tomato soup...anything but this cursed root. Deactivation of the force field made him look up. The Doctor stepped inside.

"Good morning, Mr. Paris," he said quietly. Tom's appearance concerned him greatly. He had read the reports that the security officers had submitted on each shift in regards to the prisoner's condition. He saw that they had not exegerated. Tom looked as if he had been seriously ill instead of having spent a week in the brig. He began scanning him. He had lost 2 kilos and his blood pressure was up much higher than it had been when he had first been tossed into the brig. Stress levels read much higher as well.

"Tom, I am going to give you some medication to lower your blood pressure it's too high." A soft hiss indicated that the Doctor had given him a shot. Tom shrugged. Deciding that perhaps his assistant might open up a bit, the Doctor asked, "Tom, reports indicate that you are having nightmares throughout the night. Can you tell me what you're dreaming about?"

Tom shrugged and said nothing. Talking about it would accomplish nothing...except to reveal things best kept secret. He did not want the Doctor or anyone else prying into his childhood.

"Tom, I can't help you if you don't talk to me." The Doctor waited a few minutes, however Tom continued to stare into space as if he had not heard him. "I'll order an anti-anxiety drug for you take at night. One of the medics will bring it by each night." Tom continued to sit on the cot and stare into space, seeming not to care one way or the other.

The Doctor signaled the guard who deactivated the forcefield. He proceeded to take the turbolift to the bridge. He walked purposefully over to the Captain and the Commander. "I need to speak with both of you in private," he said softly. They rose quickly.

"B'Elanna, you have the bridge," ordered Janeway as the trio walked to her Ready Room.

After they had seated themselves, the Doctor began his report. "Mr. Paris has lost 2 kilos. His blood pressure is significantly elavated. I adminstered Lisinopril to lower it."

"Did he tell you about the nightmares?" asked Chakotay.

"He would not answer any of my inquires about them. He just stared off into space as if I were not there. I've ordered an anti-anxiety drug to be given at night to see if that helps."

"I know Admiral Paris was hard on Tom, but I can't believe that he would shut Tom up in anything," mused Janeway. "But then, he changed so much after the Cardassian incident. What are your recommendations, Doctor?"

"If the medications don't improve his condition, I would say that confining him to his quarters for the remainder of his sentence may be a viable option."

Janeway aimlessly picked up a PADD. "How long will it be before we know if the medications will work?"

"I would like to give them a week. If they don't work, then my recommendations stand," replied the Doctor with a firmness that surprised Janeway.

"Very well, is that all, Doctor?"

He nodded.

"Dismissed."

The Doctor walked out, and Janeway turned to Chakotay.

"What do you think, Chakotay? I never expected anything like this to happen with Tom." She looked at him helplessly

"We know he has a lot of demons from his past that he won't discuss. I don't even know how much he's opened up to B'Elanna. I do have to agree with the Doctor though. We can't keep him in the brig if he doesn't improve."

"I know," she answered with a sigh. There were certainly no easy answers.

Back in the brig, Tom contemplated what the doctor had said. He was not certain that the anti-anxiety drugs would help. He remembered what happened when they gave them to him in Aukland. They had not worked then, and he doubted that now would be any different. The deactiavation of the force field stirred him from his musings.

Looking up, he saw Neelix there with his lunch. Laying a hand on Tom's shoulder, Neelix handed him the tray with an apologetic look that told Tom his meal was again going to be leola root. Giving him a gentle squeeze on the shoulder, he left the brig. He saw his concern mirrored in the eyes of Ensign Domberwicky.

Neelix was disturbed by Tom's appearance. He knew from the grapevine that after examining Tom earlier today, that the Doctor had gone straight to the bridge to speak with the Captain. He had thought that surely the Captain would have some sort of compassion and release Tom. He had heard whisperings that the Captain had been overly harsh with Tom in her punishment of him. Others had disobeyed direct orders with lesser consequences. The consenus had been that the Captain's "personal reclamation project" had embarrassed her and now had to suffer for it. Whatever the reason, Tom's condition frightened Neelix. He considered Tom his friend and did not wish to lose him.

Later, towards the end of the Beta shift, Samantha Wildman came to the brig to administer the anti-anxiety drug to Tom. Lt. Stiles deactivated the force field and she entered quietly. Tom was sitting on the edge of his bunk, staring off into space.

"Tom," she began softly. "I'm here to give you some medicine."

He looked up as she walked towards him. She scanned him and noted that his blood pressue was still very high. After making a quick adjustment on the hypospray to include more Lisinopril as well, Samantha placed it against his neck and gave him the prescribed medications.

"Tom, your blood pressure was still high, so I gave you medication for that as well. The minphredadrine should help you feel a less stressed out." With an encouraging pat on the shoulder, she left the cell feeling that she was fighting a losing battle. She had never seen Tom looking this bad. He had been in many scrapes and life threatening situtations, but this time the condition he was in was so senseless. Anger boiled up and she really resented the fact that the Captain was being so unfair.

Chakotay was sitting in his quarters sipping hot tea and considering what should be done about Tom Paris. He agreed with the majority of the crew that the Captain's discipline had been much too harsh. Though, due to his position, he could not let the crew know he agreed with them. He was trying to find some way to approach the Captain about it. His door buzzer sounded jolting him out of his thoughts. "Come," he called.

The door slid open and B'Elanna walked in. Chakotay stood up. "B'Elanna, have a seat." He had been expecting that she would come to talk to him.

B'Elanna sat down. "Chakotay, I know why the doctor talked to you and the Captain. What's wrong with Tom? Ayala only tells me Tom has been having some nightmares. I know there has to be more to it than that, otherwise, the Doctor would have just submitted a report. He won't tell me a thing." Her sharp angry tone did not surprise Chakotay.

"You know the Doctor can't discuss Tom's condition with you. Patient confidentality is there for a purpose," answered Chakotay calmly. "I can't tell you very much. The Doctor is treating Tom, and if he doesn't improve, he is recommending that Tom spend the rest of his sentence confined to his quarters."

"Sentence," spat B'Elanna. "You and I both know that the Captian was way too heavy-handed in his punishment. I don't think you'll find a single person on this ship that agrees with her. Tom has saved this ship and all of countless times!" B'Elanna trembled with pent up rage.

"She is the Captain, and sometimes her decisions are not going to be popular with the crew. She did what she thought was right," answered Chakotay.

"Do you think it was fair, Chakotay?" asked B'Elanna.

"You're putting me in a difficult situtation, B'Elanna," replied Chakotay uncomfortably.

"I'll take that as a yes," she spat back. "So why aren't you trying to help?"

"It's not that simple. I will promise you this: If the treatments the doctor is giving Tom don't improve his condition, then the Doctor and I WILL force the issue with the Captain."

He picked up the hot tea pot. "Here have a cup of the Chamoile tea. It will calm you down a bit."

She picked up a cup and let him pour some tea into it for her. She added some honey and they both sat in silence sipping their tea, each lost in their thoughts about the situtation with Tom.

Ayala watched as Tom stirred restlessly on the narrow cot. Suddenly, Tom got up and sat down on the floor. It took a few moments for Ayala to realize Tom was sleepwalking. He appeared to be playing with something. Judging by the movements, it was a ship of some sort. Suddenly Tom looked up and seemed to be frozen with fear.

"I...I...I was just taking a break, Daddy. I'll go back to studying," Tom's voice quivered with terror.

There was a pause as if someone was answering him.

"No, Daddy, Please! I'll study!" The panic in Tom's voice alarmed Ayala.

Suddenly, Tom bolted up as if he had been yanked to his feet. Resisting all the way, he went to the direction of the bed. He tumbled down on the bed. After a few seconds, he began beating the air screaming. "Let me out, Daddy, please! I'm scared of the dark! I'm scared, I'm scared! It's so dark and crowded in here. Please let me out!" Tom began screaming. Usually by now he had awakened.

Ayala could take no more. He quickly summoned the Doctor and Commander Chakotay. He did not trust Janeway on this one.

"Ayala to Commander Chakotay, report to the brig immediately. It's an emergency!"

B'Elanna gasped and they both hit the deck running. It seemed like forever to B'Elanna before they got to the brig. The Doctor arrived at the same time they did.

"How long has this been going on?" asked the Doctor and the forcefield deactivated?

"Not long, when I saw he wasn't waking up at the point he usually does, I called for help immediately," answered Ayala.

Chakotay held on to B'Elanna as the Doctor hurried to Tom's side. He could not wake him up. His blood pressure was at an alarming level. The Doctor slapped his com badge. "Transport Mr. Paris and myself directly to sickbay," he snapped.

As they disappeared in a shimmer, B'Elanna broke free from Chakotay and ran out of the brig, heading for sickbay. Chakotay followed her, calling the Captain as he ran to keep up.

When they rushed into sickbay, the doctor was still working over Tom. Captain Janeway was standing near the bio-bed. He was laying quiet and still on the bio-bed. B'Elanna raced over to his side. She was relieved to see that he was breathing normally and seemed to be resting peacefully.

"What happened?" she demanded.

"I gave him a strong sedative, then put the Neruo-sleep stimulator on him. It will cause him to sleep deeply, but it also blocks dreaming. It can't be used long-term. It is meant to help patients who are dealing with trauma rest without nightmares. It is not meant for more than 3 days at the most. I have also adminstered stronger medications to lower his blood pressure. At the level it was at when I examined him in the brig, he could have easily had a stroke."

B'Elanna picked up Tom's hand and held it between her own. He was so pale. Dark circles under his eyes bore mute testimony to his lack of sleep. She clung tightly to him, willing him to be well.

"I thougth the minphredadrine was supposed to help with his anxiety caused by the clasutrophobia," said Janeway looking at the Doctor.

"I had hoped it would. In Mr. Paris' case, it seems to have prevented him from being able to wake up from his nightmare. I need to see Mr. Ayala's report on what transpired as soon as possible. As of right now, Mr. Paris is not going back to the brig. I am keeping him here under observation." His looked dared the Captain to challenge him.

Captain Janeway could not hide the fear and concern for Tom from her face. "Agreed," she said softly. Guilt gnawed at her. Had she not made her decison in anger, and given the matter some thought...The thought of Tom being in danger of a stroke of too much to imagine. "Keep me posted of Ens...Mr. Paris' progress." She turned and walked out of sickbay.

B'Elanna glared at the departing Captain. It was her fault that Tom was here. There was no way in Gre'tho that she was leaving his side short of a warp core breach.

"B'Elanna," began the Doctor gently. "Using the Neruo-sleep stimulator will keep Tom asleep until I remove it. He is out of danger at the moment, and I will be here with him the entire time. There is no need for you to stay. You need your rest as well."

She glared firecely at him. "I am not leaving." Her expression challenged the Doctor or Chakotay to try to remove her.

"Doctor, I think we should let her stay," he said calmly.

The doctor saw beyond the anger and found true fear for Tom's well-being in her eyes. "Very well," he answered. I will have a chair brought in for you."

"Thank you, Chakotay, thank you doctor," she whispered as she held Tom's hand to her chest.

All though the night, B'Elanna maintained a vigil at Tom's side. She was terrified of losing him. The comment that the Doctor had made about his blood pressure having had been high enough to cause a stroke alarmed her. The Doctor kept a close watch on Tom through the night. The Neruo-sleep stimulator was highly reliable, but the good Doctor refused to take any chances. As long as the device did not fail, Tom would sleep peacefully through the night. His vital signs were remaining stable as well.

Around 0700, the Captain and Chakotay returned to sickbay. They walked over to where Tom lie sleeping on the bio-bed. B'Elanna's head was resting on the edge of the bed, Tom's hand still clasped between her own. The Doctor joined them, signalling them to remain silent. He checked the monitors and indicated that they should follow him. They walked to his office. Ordering the door to close, he began his report.

"When I was summoned to sick bay last night, Mr. Paris was in the midst of a nightmare from which I was unable to rouse him. His blood pressure was 200/110, which put him in danger of having a stroke. He was also in tacycardia. I immediately ordered both of us beamed to sickbay. I proceeded to treat him by administering drugs to lower his blood pressure and slow his heart rate. I then adminstered a strong sedative to calm him and stop the nightmare. Afterwards, I attached the Neruo-sleep stimulator to allow him to rest peacefully without dreams and nightmares for the remainder of the night. I am using my authority as Voyager's Chief Medical Officer to prevent him from being returned to the brig."

Janeway nodded. "He won't be returning to the brig. I will follow your recommendation that the remainder of his thirty days be served in his quarters."

"He will be in sickbay under my supervision until I deem he is well enough to go anywhere," said the Doctor firmly.

"Of course," replied Janeway. "The days he spends here will also count as time served, but he won't be allowed visitors." She glanced back at her engineer who was still sleeping."

"That is acceptable, though perhaps unduly harsh," said the Doctor rather coldly.

"When do you plan to wake Tom up?" asked Chakotay trying to steer them into more neutral terrority.

"We can do that now," began the Doctor. "I have also placed Tom on a restricted diet. The medications he was and will be given as needed along with the problems with his blood pressure require a rigid diet. I have authorized replicator rations for him so that appropiate foods for his condition can be served to him."

"He was being given basic nutritutional requirements," said Janeway in a challenging tone.

"They are basic for a 'healthy person.' Tom is far from the healthy individual he was at the beginning of his thirty day sentence. I have noted the orders in my log. If you choose to disregard those orders, I will log a formal protest." The Doctor affected his most serious and severe expression to press his point home.

"I did not say I was going to over rule your orders," answered the Captain quietly. Everyone seemed to be angry with her over Tom. Even Chakotay had been rather distant.

"Let's go, so I can wake my patient and examine him more thoroughly," said the Doctor rising to his feet.

They left the office and returned to the bio-bed where Tom was sleeping.

"Commander, if you would rouse Lt. Torres," said the Doctor. "Once she is awake, I can remove the Neruo-sleep stimulator and wake Mr. Paris." He simply refused to use Tom's new rank. He did not care what anyone said, he was not going to use Ensign, for that would imply his support for the Captain's punishments.

"You will wait to rouse Ensign Paris until after Lt. Torres has left sickbay. He is after all still under solitary confinement. Being here in sickbay has not changed that," said Janeway coldly.

"I would suggest we let her stay," said the Doctor firmly. "Waking up in sickbay when his last memory was being in the brig can adversely affect his health. He may be frightened and confused. That can cause a spike in his blood pressure again. Lt. Torres' presense may help to calm him."

Chakotay looked at the Captain. "I agree with the Doctor. Tom's health is the most important issue at the moment. If he thinks B'Elanna's presense will help to calm Tom, who are we to argue."

"Very well," Janeway relented. "She may stay until we are sure that Tom will be okay. Then she must leave."

Chakotay wondered if the Captain knew just how hard it would be to get B'Elanna away from Tom's side. He took her shoulder and gently shook her. "Hey, B'Elanna," he said softly. "Wake up, it's morning and the Doctor is going to take the Neruo-sleep stimulator off of Tom and wake him up."

B'Elanna snapped awake with a suddenness that surprised both the Captain and Chakotay who quickly stepped back just in case.

"How's Tom? Is he okay?" she blurted out in alarm.

"He is fine, Lt. Torres," answered the Doctor reassuringly. "I wanted you awake when I rouse him. I felt your presense might soothe him. He will undoubtedly be confused when he wakes up in sickbay. His last memory from the previous night is being in the brig. In fact, it may be best if you are the one to awaken him. Your voice is one he will recognize and associate with comfort."

B'Elanna nodded. "Just let me know when you're ready for me to wake him up."

"I'm going to remove the Neruo-sleep stimulator and check to make certain his vital signs remain stable. I will then instruct you to rouse him," answered the Doctor.

He reached down and removed the device. Tom grimanced slightly, then relaxed. The Doctor carefully watched the monitor panel over Tom's head for a full minute. "All right, B'Elanna, please wake Tom up."

B'Elanna let go of Tom's hand and gently stroked his forehead. "Hey, hotshot," she said softly as she stroked his forehead and cheeks. "Time to wake up."

Tom began to stir. He blinked a few times then stared up at B'Elanna in confusion. What are you doing in the br..." He looked around and realized he was no longer in the brig. He was in sickbay.

"You gave us quite a scare last night, Tom," said B'Elanna as she bent down to kiss him. To hell with what Janeway would say or do...Tom needed her unconditional support.

"B'Elanna, wait, I need to see what Tom remembers from last night," the Doctor said softly.

Tom looked at the Doctor. "Well..." he thought hard. "I know Samantha came in at the end of the Beta shift and gave me some medicine. Then I fell asleep. I had 'that dream' again. Having the dream is the last thing I remember."

"Before I begin to review my findings with you, do you object to Lt. Torres hearing them. The Captain and Commander Chakotay have already heard them. As your commanding officers, they are privy to such information. However due to privacy laws, I must have your consent to review your medical information with others present," said the Doctor, who was reasonably certain what Tom's answer would be.

"Doc, anything medical that pertains to me...B'Elanna will always be allowed to know. I am going on record with that right now." He turned and smiled weakly at B'Elanna. She lifted his hand she held in hers and kissed it.

"Very well, when I was summoned to the brig last night, your blood pressure was dangerously high...to the point that you could have easily had a stroke. You were in tacyacardia. I was unable to rouse you. I called for an emergency beam out to sickbay. Once in sickbay, I was able to stablize you. I then put the Neruo-sleep stimulator on you so that you could have peaceful sleep without dreams. As you know from your studies with me, that device can only be used on a very limited basis. I am going to examine you this morning to acertain no permanent damage was done by the high blood pressure."

"Just how high was it, Doc?" asked Tom.

"It was 200/110," replied the Doctor. "You are most fortunate that Lt. Ayala acted so quickly. I have also put you on a restricted diet. All of your food will be replicated and should also help control your blood pressure along with the medications as needed."

Tom grinned, "I guess that means no more leola root for now."

"Most assuredly, no more leola root. While it meets basic nutritutional requirements, it is high in sodium, therefore off limits," answered the Doctor with a smile. He had circumvented more of Janeway's punishment and it gave him great satisfaction.

"I knew that the anti-anxiety drugs were probably a waste of time and effort," stated Tom quietly. They didn't work in Aukland, so why would they work now?"

Janeway stared at Tom, "Why didn't you tell the Doctor about that?"

Tom shrugged and looked away.

"Now is not the time or place to discuss the anti-anxiety drugs," the Doctor said firmly. "Such a discussion can only agitate my patient." He looked up and saw Neelix bearing a tray with Tom's breakfast. When he had informed Neelix of the dietary changes for Tom. Neelix had requested that he still be able to bring the replicated meals to Tom. He had assured the Doctor that he would not alter the foods at all. He wanted Tom to be well, and by taking care of his meals, he could do his part.

"Ah, here is Mr. Neelix with Tom's meal. Now, the rest of you need to clear out of sickbay. After Tom has eaten, I am going to examine him thoroughly. I will inform you of the results when I am done," said the Doctor.

B'Elanna bent down and gently kissed Tom. "You get well, do you hear me?" she said affectionately. She hoped she would be able to visit Tom in sickbay, but somehow, she doubted that Janeway would permit it.

They walked out quietly. Chakotay turned to B'Elanna. "I know you were in sickbay all night with Tom. If you want to take the day off to rest, I'll take care of it."

"No, Chakotay, I'll do better keeping busy in Engineering. That way I won't have time to worry about Tom," she answered honestly.

Janeway walked on in a brooding silence. Chakotay looked at her for a moment. "Well, none of us has had breakfast yet. Why don't we brave the messhall and see what fare Neelix has to offer today?"

Janeway shook her head. "I have a lot of work to do. I'll see you later on the bridge." She walked off quickly leaving B'Elanna and Chakotay staring.

"She's taking this hard," murmured Chakotay.

"Well, it's her fault," snapped B'Elanna.

"Wait, just a second, she did not force Tom to disobey orders," answered Chakotay.

"Well, when she heard from the Doctor how badly Tom was doing she should have done something," insisted B'Elanna.

"We'll get no where playing the blame game. Tom is in good hands in sickbay. No one knew this would happen. Even the Doctor thought medicine would help him. Should Tom have informed the Doctor that anti-anxiety drugs had been tried with him unsuccessfully...yes, but then drugs change all the time...and Tom was not thinking clearly anyway," said Chakotay.

B'Elanna nodded. "Let's get some breakfast. I'm starving."


	2. Chapter 2

In the mess hall, B'Elanna and Chakotay quickly made their selections from the fare that Neelix was serving. Surprisingly, he had some apetizing dishes this morning. Taking their trays, they settled in a corner of the mess hall and began eating.

As they ate, Crewman Dalby stopped by their table. "Is Tom okay? I heard there were problems last night."

"He's in sickbay, the Doctor was able to get him stablized," replied B'Elanna.

"Good, lots of us have been worried about him. He should have never been put in the brig in the first place," grumbled Dalby. "Well, I'm glad to know he's doing better." Dalby walked away.

Other crew members stopped by to inquire about Tom. Most of them echoed Dalby's sentiments that Tom should have never been put in the brig in the first place.

"Seems most of the crew agrees with me," mused B'Elanna. "I don't think I can take not seeing him for as long as he has left.

"I wouldn't count on it, B'Elanna. She is still really angry with Tom," replied Chakotay softly.

"I know, but she's letting her anger cloud her judgement," retorted B'Elanna.

"Well, if we don't hurry, she'll be mad at us too for being late to our duty stations," Chakotay reminded her.

They put their trays away and left the mess hall to report to their posts...

Meanwhile, down in Sickbay, Tom was eating his breakfast. The food was much better than he had been getting while in the brig thanks to the Doctor's orders. Blueberry pancakes, bacon, orange juice, and milk. He had hoped for some coffee, but the Doctor explained that until he completed his examination that he did not want any stimulants in Tom's system that could interfere with the test results. Seeing B'Elanna for the few minutes that he had this morning had been wonderful. Feeling her soft lips against his had been the best medicine for his aching soul. He knew with the attitude the Captain had displayed this morning that he would not be seeing B'Elanna again any time soon.

"Well, Mr. Paris, it would seem your appetite has improved," said the Doctor as he surveyed the empty 0dishes. "In about an hour, I'll be doing a series of tests on you. The one that you may find the most difficult will be the stress test. I want to make certain you have sustained no cardiological damage."

"I appreciate your help, Doc. Say, are there any texts I can study while I'm here? I don't want to get too stir crazy," said Tom.

"I will bring you some material to study on the condition that you don't overtire yourself. The past several days have put an undue strain on your body's systems," said the Doctor seriously.

"I won't, Doc," Tom assured him.

"Very well, I shall bring you some texts on emergency medicine," said the Doctor.

On the bridge everyone was quiet. Voyager was in a relatively safe region of space. They were on course for the Alpha Quadrant. Janeway sat brooding in her command chair. The situtation with Tom Paris gnawed at her soul. What if he had ended up having a stroke last night...she force the idea from her mind. It was Tom's fault he was in the brig. He disobeyed direct orders and nearly started a war in the process. She turned as the turbolift doors slid open.

B'Elanna strode purposefully to the Engineering station on the bridge. She knew the Doctor would be filing his report soon. If she were on the bridge, perhaps the Doctor would include her in the briefing. Everything down in engineering was in perfect order. She could monitor things just as well from the station on the bridge as she could in enginnering. Joe Carey had encouraged her to go as well. They were all eager to hear how Tom's test results came out. Starfleet and Maquis alike were all concerned over the latest developments with Tom, and very angry with the Captain over it.

"Problems in engineering, B'Elanna?" asked Janeway.

"No, all things are running at optimal efficency," answered B'Elanna as she relieved the crewman at the Bridge Engineering station.

"Very well, carry on," said Janeway.

Chakotay glanced over at B'Elanna as she proceeded to run a systems check from her bridge station. He knew her well enough to read the anxiety coursing through her. If Tom had sustained any permanent damage...well, he hoped he and the Doctor would be able to restrain her. At first he had not be certain that her relationship with Tom was a good thing. However, the more he watched them, the more he realized just how much they belonged together. Tom had certainly grown beyond the mercenary pilot he had been when he joined the Maquis. Chakotay thought of all the times Tom had put his life on the line to save others. The young man had more commendations than anyone else on the ship. With a record like that, the punishments meted out by Janeway seemed overly harsh and way out of line.

B'Elanna finished up her systems check and sat at her station monitoring engineering systems. Her heart ached to be with Tom. Though, she knew that during the exam the Doctor would not permit her to be with him regardless. She knew that Janeway was probably not going to let her see Tom again until the full thirty days were served. His punishements were so unfair. Why, Tom had saved various crew members and the ship countless times. He was Voyager's most decorated officer as far as commendations went. If it were not for Tom's bravery and loyalty, the crew would still be stranded on that planet in the Hannan system. Evidently, loyalty and bravery meant nothing to Janeway.

The turbolift doors opened and the Doctor stepped onto the bridge. B'Elanna watched him as he walked over to the Command team. "I have the results of my examination of Mr. Paris. If we can adjourn to your ready room, I will review them with you." He glanced over at B'Elanna. "I would also like Lt. Torres to join us as well."

Janeway nodded her assent, and the four officers walked to the Ready Room. The Doctor reassuringly squeezed B'Elanna's shoulder as he followed her into the room. She glanced back at him and was reasonably certain from his expression that Tom was going to be okay.

"Well, Doctor," began Janeway after everyone was seated. "What are the results of Ensign Paris' tests?" There was a slight iciness to her tone.

"Mr. Paris continues to be in stable condition. I ran a number of tests. He sustained no permanent damage from extreme spike in his blood pressure. There was also no damage from the tacycardia."

"Then, is there any medical need for him to be in sickbay?" asked Janeway cooly.

"I wish to keep him overnight for observation so that if complications ensue during the night, he can be quickly attended to. Observing during a nightmare episode may help me find a better treatment for him," stated the Doctor.

"Very well," answered Janeway. "However, I will be posting a security officer, and he will not be allowed any visitors."

B'Elanna frowned, she was quite pleased Tom had suffered no ill effects from the previous nights medical emergency, however, she was not pleased that the Captain was continuing to treat him like a criminal. Under the table, she felt a nudge from Chakotay warning her not to protest. She glanced quickly at him, conveying her assent.

"Is it really necessary to have a security officer cluttering up my sickbay?" challenged the Doctor.

"Yes it is, dimissed." snapped Janeway.

The Doctor rose and left the Ready Room without another word. Janeway turned her attention to Chakotay and B'Elanna. "Both of you may return to your stations."

Nodding, they got out and left the Ready Room. Janeway watched them as they departed. With a sigh, she picked up a PADD to review of one many reports that were awaiting her approval. The Navigation report was not as concise as it usually was. Frowning, she highlighted areas that she wanted changed and set it aside for Baytart to correct. The next report she picked up was from Security. Tuvok's report was concise and to the point as usual. The incident with Tom last night was the final item in the report. She could also feel Tuvok's reproach as she read the details. No one seemed to understand why she was doing this. Signing off on Tuvok's report, she picked up the next report and began reading.

Out on the bridge, B'Elanna gave Harry a thumbs up to let him know that Tom was fine. He nodded his thanks and turned his attention back to his console. He had been concerned when he had heard about Tom's emergency beam out to sickbay. He had thought surely given the circumstances the Captain would end Tom's sentence. Though the angry expression on the Doctor's face suggested otherwise.

B'Elanna idly scanned the readouts on her console. Too bad she had done the Doctor's weekly diagnostic two days ago. It would give her a chance to at least see Tom, even if she could not go over to his bed and talk to him. She did not know how she would endure twenty-two more days of no contact with Tom. At least the Doctor had gotten him out of the brig and in his own quarters. That much alone would lessen Tom's claustrophobia. She was surprised to feel a timid tap on her shoulder. It was the crewman relieveing her for lunch. Harry's relief was at his station as well. They both briefed their relief, and headed to the turbolift.


	3. Chapter 3

They got their trays and sat at a quiet table in the corner of the mess hall. There were not many people here yet, so they were somewhat isolated from the rest of the crew.

"So, what did the Doctor say about Tom?" asked Harry.

"That he had no permanent damage from his blood pressure spike or the tacycardia. He's keeping him in sickbay. He wants to observe Tom during a nightmare episode to see if he can think of anything that can help," replied B'Elanna in a soft whisper.

Harry leaned closer. "Do you think there is any chance of the Captain changing her mind about the thirty days?"

B'Elanna snorted. "That's not going to happen. She's even posting a security officer in sickbay to watch Tom. Like Tom is a danger to anyone." Her eyes blazed with fury. "This is the most unjust, unfair thing the Captain has ever done. Other folks, myself included have made major blunders, and were not disciplined this severely."

"Uh, what have you done that you consider a major blunder?" asked Harry puzzled.

"The time we aquired the spatial trajector from the Sikarians," B'Elanna reminded him.

"Oh yeah, Tuvok and Carey were involved too. You were ready to take the fall for it, but then Tuvok stepped up and admitted he was also involved," recalled Harry.

"The fact is, we disobeyed direct orders, our actions could have caused conflict with the Sikarians, and the only thing that she did was read us the riot act," snapped B'Elanna. "There have been other times that people have royally screwed up and got the same, or at the most a reprimand in their record...for all the good that will do since we're on a seventy year trip."

The sound of someone clearing their throat made them look up. Chakotay was standing at their table with a tray.

"Mind if I join you?" he asked impassively.

B'Elanna and Harry both blushed. "Sit down, Commander," answered Harry nervously.

Chakotay sat down with his tray. "I just checked with the Doctor. Tom is resting and studying medical texts. His stress levels aren't anywhere near the point they were at in the brig. He still wants to keep him overnight and watch the monitors firsthand during the nightmare episodes."

"Has the Doctor been able to get him to open up about his nightmares?" asked Harry in a concerned voice.

"Not yet," answered Chakotay. He turned to B'Elanna. "I know you two spend most of your off duty time together. How often does he have nightmares?"

"Not as often as he did when we first started spending time together." B'Elanna looked around and saw that the mess hall was getting fuller. She did not want to add fuel to the rumor mill by continuing the discussion in the increasingly crowded mess hall. "Can we finish this discussion later in your office, Chakotay?" she asked softly.

Chakotay nodded, "I agree. We need to respect Tom's right to privacy. Let's meet in my office at 1700 hours. You too, Harry."

"Was the Captain's mood any better when you left for lunch, Chakotay?" asked Harry. Lately, the Captain had been increasingly snappish and irritable.

"I would suggest getting back from your lunches a little early," answered Chakotay ruefully. He was loyal to the Captain, but he also did not want B'Elanna or Harry to be on the receiving end of the Captain's wrath for tardiness.

"Thanks for the warning." B'Elanna picked up her tray. "I'm done, and I'll be heading back." She certainly did not want to give the Captain any reason to be angry with her. If she had any hope of getting to see Tom during the remainder of his sentence, she had to toe the line.

"Wait a second, I'm through," said Harry. "I'll go with you."

Chakotay watched the two officers depart. He knew both were deeply concerned over their friend. If only Tom would open up to someone about the troubling dreams. He was glad that Tom was under the Doctor's care and out of the brig. He certainly did not deserve to suffer the way he had for his first week in the brig. He knew that the Captain was aware of Tom's suffering. Tuvok's daily security reports that both of them received detailed the incidents in that occurred in the brig each night. Sighing, he turned his attention to his meal, so that he would not be late getting back to the bridge either.

Back on the bridge, B'Elanna and Harry resumed their stations. There was tension in the air, and the relief crew scurried to the turbolift, clearly relieved to be off the bridge. B'Elanna and Harry exchanged a look both realizing that it was going to be a long shift.

"Lt. Torres, Ensign Kim, I would like you to run full diagnostics of your stations," she said sternly.

"Aye, Captain," they replied. Their stations were operating well within normal limits and diagnostics were not really necessary. However, the Captain's tone left them in no mood to disagree. It would keep them busy for the rest of the shift. B'Elanna glaced over at the Conn Station. Culhane seemed to be struggling with protocols for the full diagnostic he was running. She hoped he would overcome the problems soon. With the mood the Captain seemed to be in, anyone who was perceived as not doing his or her job properly was liable to be on the receiving end of the her formidable wrath.

About an hour later, Janeway got up and began going from station to station to check on the progress of the diagnostics being done. She stood at the engineering station watching B'Elanna work. "Very good, job, Lieutenant, you are further along than I would have expected you to be. Carry on." She strolled on over to Ops where Harry was working ferverishly, hoping that Janeway would not be displeased with his slower than usual pace. "What seems to be the problem, Ensign? You should be much further along than you are."

"I found a few problems with the board, Captain. It took extra time to adjust areas to bring them up to standard," answered Harry nervously. He indicated the areas as he spoke.

"I see," began Janeway. "Do you know why these malfunctions occurred?"

"Not yet, but I am working on tracing it back," replied Harry.

"Let me know when you find out, Ensign," said Janeway as she moved down to the helm.

She looked at the screen and frowned. "Ensign Culhane, why aren't further along with you diagnostic? You've been working longer than anyone?"

"I'm sorry, Captain. I haven't done this very often. Usually, Lieuten...Mr. Paris does it," he said.

"Have you or have you not been trained in running a FULL DIAGNOSTIC, Ensign?" she snapped.

"Yes, Captain," replied the young man meekly.

"I expect you to rise to the ocassion, Ensign. You will not leave your station until the procedure is completed correctly. You will also make the corrections I have noted in your daily report. For the past eight days all of the helm daily reports have had errors. You and the rest of the helmsmen need to do it correctly the first time," Her eyes flashed fire.

"Yes, Captain," he answered, squirming uncomfortably.

The Captain returned to her seat and sat down. Chakotay looked at her. She looked as if she were ready to explode. Never had he ever seen her come down on anyone on the bridge like that. It had always been done privately in the Ready Room.

Sighing, the Captain turned to Chakotay. I'm going to get some lunch, you have the bridge." She got up and walked to the Turbolift without as much as a glance at anyone else.

The tone and mood of the bridge improved greatly after the Captain's departure. Chakotay got up and walked down to the helm. He looked at the readouts that Culhane was struggling with. The young man looked up nervously at Chakotay, wondering if he were going to be reprimanded yet again. Flying was easy enough for him, but no one knew the quirks of this station like Tom Paris did.

"Ensign, I think if you call up the file, TPDM, you'll it helpful," whispered Chakotay.

"TPDM?" Ensign Culhane gave Chakotay a very puzzled look.

"Tom Paris' Diagnostic Manual," replied Chakotay with a chuckle. He put that together to remind him of all the quirks of this station."

Ensign Culhane groaned, "Oh, I remember him mentioning that to me now. I wished I had remembered that before..." He trailed off, not wanting to say anything that might land him in more trouble with the Captain.

"Carry on, Ensign," said Chakotay as he walked back to his seat.

The young man's began working diligently, following the protocols set up by Tom Paris. By all rights, Tom should have been here to do this himself. The Captain had been very unfair with Tom. That was not just his opinion, the pilots who were under Tom's jurisdiction all thought so as well. Hearing that no one's helm reports were up to par was discouraging. The other pilots would no doubt be on the receiving end of Janeway's wrath as well. She had been hard to deal with every since she had demoted Tom and placed him in the brig.

Chakotay glanced around at the various crew members working at their stations. Everyone seemed a lot calmer with the Captain off the bridge. It was going to be a very long twenty-two days if her mood stayed like this the entire time Tom was confined.

Down in sickbay, Tom laid his PADD aside as he saw Neelix approach him with his lunch tray. The security officer nodded to Neelix and moved so that he could place the tray on the overbed table.

"Enjoy your lunch, Tom," said Neelix. Knowing that any and all unnecessry chatter was forbidden, Neelix gave Tom an encouraging look and left.

Tom lifted the covers off the dishes and found Tomato Soup, salad, a roll, and what looked like applesauce. He picked up a spoon and tasted the soup. He was pleasantly surprised that the replicator had finally gotten the soup to taste right. He recalled the soup he had tried his first day on Voyager. This was a 100 improvement.

Ensign Lang watched as Tom ate his lunch. She had already eaten. In her opinion, assigning a security detail to watch over Tom in sickbay was ridiculous. Tom was not a dangerous criminal, he was a Starfleet officer. Yes, he had made a mistake, however, as Gilbert and Sullivan had put it so long ago, "let the punishment fit the crime." Others had pull outrageous stunts with much less censure. The only reason she enforced the Captain's orders of no unnecessary conversation was she had no choice in the matter.

About an hour later, Neelix came to retrieve Tom's tray. He noted with satisfaction that Tom had eaten everything. He still looked as if he had been through a long illness, but at least he was eating. Since he was not allowed to speak with Tom, he simply gave him a thumbs up and was rewarded with a bright smile in return. Taking the tray, he quickly left sickbay to finish the after lunch clean up and get ready for supper.

Tom was bored. He had studied medical texts all morning. That was the only diversion that he was being allowed. He was sleepy, but he was not sure he wanted to take a nap. He did not want to have the nightmares again.

The Doctor walked over to check on his patient. Though he could be irritating at times, Tom was glad to have a chance to talk to someone.

"How are you feeling, Tom?" he asked.

"A little bored, I read the medical texts this morning, but I thought I'd give it a rest for while," he answered.

The Doctor looked at the panel over Tom's biobed. "Your blood pressure seems to be stable for the moment," he noted with satisfaction in his voice. He looked back at Tom. "You appear to be sleepy, perhaps a nap would be in order."

An apprehensive expression clouded Tom's face. Sleep meant nightmares.

The Doctor put his hand on Tom's shoulder. "I know your nightmares are troubling, I will be monitoring you. Perhaps I can come up with a solution for them that will help. I know the previous attempt did not work, however I have not been defeated yet."

"Okay, Doc," relented Tom. "I'll try to take a nap."

"Good," answered the Doctor. "Perhaps the change in environment would help keep the dreams at bay."

He left and Tom settled down for a nap, hoping that his sleep would be peaceful.


	4. Chapter 4

Back on the bridge, everyone was working quietly when the Captain stepped off the turbolift. She stood there for a few moments surveying the activity, then proceeded to her seat.

"The diagnostics are preceeding as ordered, Captain," reported Chakotay.

She nodded, "Good, while we are in a relatively calm area of space, I wanted everything checked out. We never know when things can become turbulent out here."

"That's a given," agreed Chakotay. He looked around at the officers working on their various tasks. The moment the Captain had returned, he sensed that they were more tense. He wished there was a way to improve things, but only the Captain could change her current attitude. There were no easy answers to the problem.

An uneasy silence settled over the bridge. The only sounds were those from the consoles as they were put through various tests. After about an hour, the Captain got up and strolled around checking on progress.

As she observed B'Elanna's work, she noted that the Engineer was nearly done. "You've been very industrious this afternoon, B'Elanna." The Captain moved on to Harry's Ops station. "Mr. Kim, did you manage to track down the source of the problems?"

"Yes, Captain, it was from when we were attacked by Species 6339. They were minor issues that would only show up in a complete diagnostic. From now on, after any attack, I plan to run a full diagnostic."

"An excellent idea, Ensign," commented Janeway. She continued on to the helm. "Ensign Culhane, I see you are finally making progress on your diagnostic."

"Yes, Capatin, I called up Mr. Paris' notes on it, and they have been very helpful," answered Ensign Culhane.

Janeway bristled a little at the mention of Tom's name. "Very well, carry on." She returned to her chair and sat down. The cold reception she had been getting from everyone was getting old. Tom disobeyed orders and was disciplined. The rest of the crew would just have to get over it.

Tom was stirring restlessly. Ensign Lang called for the Doctor, reasonably sure a nightmare episode was about to start. He came immediately. He had medication pre-loaded into a hypospray to use if necessary. Tom was becoming more agitated.

"Daddy, please don't put me in there," he suddenly cried out. He began crying and screaming, "Let me out, please let me out."

Alarms began sounding, and the Doctor immediately woke Tom up. Tom sat up shaking. The Doctor quickly administered medication to lower his blood pressure and control his heart rate.

"Tom, you need to lie down," he said softly guiding the young man's body back down on the biobed.

"I should have known that I wouldn't get any peaceful sleep," muttered Tom.

"It might help if you would open up about your dreams," said the Doctor. "Anything you tell me would be held strictly confidental."

Tom shook his head. "I just can't talk about them, Doc. You don't understand. No one does."

The Doctor sighed. "I am trying a new medication. I think that it will keep your blood pressure and heart rate in check in spite of the stress the nightmares put on your body. If not, I'll keep you here till I find one that does."

Tom frowned. "I'll never finish my days if I have to stay here."

"Yes, you will," replied the Doctor. "The Captain stated the time you spend here in sickbay will count as time served too."

Tom rubbed his face, relieved to know that sickbay days were not going to be counted against him. Now if there were somethng that would stop the nightmares. When he spent the night with B'Elanna, he seldom had nightmares. He hated being alone.

Up on the Bridge, it was finally shift change. Chakotay watched as the officers coming on duty were briefed by the ones going off. The Captain had left the bridge as soon as Lieutenant Rollins came on. He was taking the command this shift. Chakotay had briefed him for the Captain. He stood up and walked to the turbolift and was joined by Harry and B'Elanna.

"Let's head directly to my office to finish our discussion," he whispered.

They both nodded and quietly got on the turbolift. They rode in silence. When the doors slid open, they walked to Chakotay's office and sat down.

"Okay, B'Elanna, what can you tell me about Tom's nightmares," inquired Chakotay, who had decided there was no sense in wasting time on pleasantries.

"Well, at first he had them two or three times a week," began B'Elanna. "Then, they seemed to taper off. Maybe once or twice a month, unless he got stressed out over something. Then he had them more often."

"But he never tells you about them?" asked Harry.

"No," she said resignedly. "I know a lot of times I hear him calling out his dad's name. He and his dad didn't get along very well."

"I had Admiral Paris for a few classes at the academy," began Chakotay. "His classes washed out a lot of cadets. He was very demanding. I never saw him interacting with Tom, so I only know the rumors."

"Chakotay," ventured B'Elanna. "Do you think maybe..." She stopped and seemed to be considering very carefully how to phrase what she wanted to say.

"Do I think what?" he prompted her.

"Well, I was thinking, he might open up to his animal guide...if you could teach him how to reach his animal guide. I don't think he'd try to kill his," said B'Elanna with a chuckle.

"It would only work if he was open to it," said Chakotay.

"I think he would be, sir." began Harry. "That might be the one... uh thing he would open up to about his dreams. I think the reason he doesn't want to talk to us is that the Admiral was abusive."

"I am certain that he was," said B'Elanna. "Tom did tell me that his dad was gentle and patient, until he was taken prisoner by the Cardassians. When he was finally rescued, he was a very different man. Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome changed the Admiral a lot according to Tom."

"Hmmm, I was aware of the Admiral being taken by the Cardassians, but I was not aware he had been diagnosed with PTSS," said Chakotay.

"He wasn't offically, it was something Tom learned from his studies with the Doctor. He commented that he could understand his dad a little better after he had studied that particular text," explained B'Elanna.

"Well, I will check with the Doctor, and if he approves, I can approach Tom about learning about his animal guide," said Chakotay. "Harry do you have anything to add?"

"Not that I can think of, sir," he replied.

"Good, I'm going down to sickbay to talk to the Doctor and see how Tom is faring," said Chakotay.

A longing expression crossed B'Elanna's face. She wished she could see Tom. "I don't suppose I could go too?"

"Sorry, B'Elanna, but that would be up to the Captain," answered Chakotay regretfully.

When Chakotay walked into sickbay, Tom was eating his supper. The security officer was sitting reading something from a PADD. He stood up when he saw his superior officer.

"As you were Ensign Molina," said Chakotay with a wave. He walked over to the Doctor's office.

"Doctor, I came by for a report on Tom Paris, and to discuss an idea that might help him deal with his nightmares," said Chakotay.

"I'd be interested in hearing that idea myself."

Chakotay turned and saw the Captain standing behind him. "Hello, Captain."

"If both of you will have a seat, I'll brief you on Mr. Paris' condition," said the Doctor.

The sat down and the Doctor began.

"Tom was napping and had another nightmare episode. I was able to rouse him. His blood pressure and heart rate were significantly elevated. I administerd new medications which I hope will keep that from happening again. If he has nightmare episodes tonight, we will know if the new medications worked. He has yet to open up to anyone about his nightmares."

"Lieutenant Torres, Ensign Kim, and I were talking, and B'Elanna suggested that perhaps if Tom were open to learning about his animal guide that he might open up it about the dreams," said Chakotay.

"That may be an option that will work," commented Captain Janeway. "He definitely needs to talk about them."

"I would suggest we wait until we are certain his medical condition is stable before he makes an attempt. I am very aware of animal guides. However, before he uses an Akoonah, I think we need for him to be medically stable," stated the Doctor.

"That is reasonable," said the Captain. "When he deem he is ready, I would like for the Commander to raise the issue with him. I'll make that exception to his solitary confinement, only because it is a health related issue."

"If the new medications work, I will be ready to release Mr. Paris from sickbay tomorrrow. I assume you still intend to allow him to serve the remainder of his sentence in his quarters," said the Doctor.

"I will follow your recommendations, Doctor. I have no desire to see Ensign Paris suffer any more than you do," said the Captain defensively.

The Doctor nodded, "I realize that Captain, now if the two of you will excuse me, I have a patient to attend to." He rose and walked out of his office.

Chakotay looked at the Captain. He could see the pain in her eyes. He knew that she truly believed she was right in her discipline, but now realized just how much it had hurt her to have to do it.

"Let's go see what Neelix is serving in the mess hall," he suggested quietly.

She nodded, stood up, and walked out of the Doctor's office.


	5. Chapter 5

B'Elanna and Harry were eating supper. She could tell Harry was out of sorts and wondered what was troubling him.

"Hey, Starfleet, what's wrong?" she asked.

Harry looked around and saw that the tables near them were empty. "The Captain forced me to fire. She had intended for me to fire on Tom at first. I could have killed one of my best friends."

She nodded, "That had to be really hard on you, Harry."

She noticed Harry's eyes dart to the door. The Captain and Chakotay entered the mess hall. Harry picked up his empty plate. "I'll see you later, B'Elanna." He was gone before she could reply. She put her plate in the recycler and headed for her quarters.

Chakotay watched as the two younger officers left the mess hall. They were both hurting and there wasn't a lot he could do about it. He got a plate of hot food and sat down with the Captain.

"Well," she began. "It looks and smells edible. Time for the acid test." She put a bite of the casserole in her mouth and chewed. After she swallowed, she grinned at Chakotay. "It's edible. Neelix's cooking is getting better here lately."

Chakotay skepticly took a bite. It was pretty good, he decided. "It's taken him some time, but I agree, he has improved."

"I'm glad the diagnostics are over with," said Janeway as she set down her coffee cup. "I wanted everything checked out. You never know what might happen from one day to the next out here. Without Starfleet to back us up, we are way too vunerable."

"I know," said Chakotay. "We seem to run into more than our share of trouble. We're lucky to have such a well trained crew."

"Yes, we are," agreed the Captain.

Meanwhile, B'Elanna sat in her quarters. Everywhere she looked there were reminders of Tom. She spotted his robe still draped over a chair from the last night they had spent together. She walked over, picked it up, and held it to her cheek inhaling his scent which lingered on the dark blue robe she had given him. Laying it down, she quickly shed her uniform and put the robe on. It gave her a small measure of comfort. Somehow, she had to convince the Captain to let her see Tom.

Harry sat in his dimly lit quarters. His clarinet lay beside him. He had been unable to find the usual comfort and pleasure his music always brought him. The Captain's order to fire on the Detla Flyer echoed relentlessly through his head. Had the Captain not changed her order and had him fire at the torpedo Tom launched, he would have surely killed his best friend. They all owed Tom their lives so many times over. How could the Captain have been so cold hearted?

Captain Janeway sat brooding on the observation deck. At this late hour, she was the only one here. Tom was one of her best officers. How had he managed to make such a poor judgement call. She knew most of the crew thought her discipline had been overly harsh. They just did not understand. Out here, she had to be hard on everyone. That was the only way they would survive and make it home some day.

Tom lay quietly in the bio bed. He dreaded going to sleep. Sleep would only bring the nightmares. No one could ever know the things he dreamed about were very real. After his father had been rescued from the Cardassians, he was never the same. Tom knew enough from his studies with the Doctor that Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome had caused most of the changes in his dad. The six years before that had been wonderful. His dad had been a doting father, so proud of his only son. He hated the Cardassians for what they had done to his father. He turned over on his side and punched the pillow a few times.

"You okay, Tom?" asked Ayala.

"Yeah, thanks for checking though. I guess I'm going to try to sleep...at least till the nightmares start," he answered ruefully. He closed his eyes and willed himself to relax.

Chakotay sat in his quarters. On his vision quest, the wolf had agreed that he should teach Tom to contact his animal guide. She told him that Tom would be receptive. So, as soon as the Doctor gave him the okay, he would work with Tom. Perhaps, Tom would find some measure of peace.

Tom was stirring restlessly on the bed. The Doctor and Ensign Ayala stood watching, knowing that it was another nightmare. So far, his blood pressure and heart rate were staying within normal limits.

"No, please, daddy, don't!" cried Tom. "I'll be good. Please don't put me in the chest again."

The Doctor and Ayala exchanged troubled looks. Ayala had already been told, as had all the security officers that anything Tom said during his dreams was to be considered confidental. It would be put into reports, but it would not be discussed with others.

"Please let me out, daddy. Please! I'm sorry, I'll be a good boy," he begged.

The Doctor gently shook Tom to wake him up. He sat up breathing hard, but not feeling as badly as he had from previous episodes.

"Well, Tom, it would seem the new medicines have your blood pressure and heart rate under control. When I release you to your quarters tomorrow, I'll put a cardiac monitor on you to be on the safe side. More than likely when your days of confinement are over, we will be able to discontinue the medication." The Doctor looked very pleased.

"Thanks, Doc," said Tom, "For everything. I know it's because of you that I don't have to go back to the brig. It won't be nearly as bad in my quarters as it was there."

"You're welcome, Tom. Now try to go back to sleep," said the Doctor.

He laid back down and pulled the covers back over himself. Hopefully, he would not have any more dreams.

The next morning, the Captain and Chakotay went to sickbay to get a status report on Tom. They walked into sickbay and saw that he was still sleeping.

"Ah, Captain, Commander, I've been waiting for you. If you'll step into my office, I will update you on Mr. Paris' condition."

They went into his office and sat down. The Doctor picked up two PADDs and handed it to each of them. "As you can see, Mr. Paris had two episodes of nightmares last night. However, the new medications have his heart rate and blood pressure under control. I will be allowing him to return to his quarters today. He will be wearing a cardiac monitor to alert me to any changes. I plan to examine him again after he eats breakfast. Provided there are no changes, he will be able to be confined in his quarters."

"Contact me when you're ready to release him. The security officer on duty will then escort him to his quarters and be posted outside his door," said the Captain.

The Doctor looked at Chakotay. "Commander, if his condition remains stable for the next forty-eight hours, you may proceed with introducing Mr. Paris to his animal guide if he wishes to try it. I would like to be present to monitor the process."

"If that is what you think is in Tom's best interest, I have no problems with it," replied Chakotay.

The Doctor rose to his feet. "Thank you for time, I must now see to my patient." He followed them out of his office and went to Tom's bedside as they left sickbay. Tom was awake and had watched his commanding officers leave sickbay.

"Tom," began the Doctor, "After you eat your breakfast, I want to exam you one more time. Then, provided nothing changes, I will inform the Captain, and you will be escorted to your quarters."

"That works for me, Doc. I am feeling a lot better than I did. Say, I've sort of lost track of days, how many more days do I have left?" asked Tom.

"You have twenty-one days left. If you start having severe problems again, you will of course be transfered from your quarters back to sickbay," replied the Doctor. "I will be checking on you more often due to health issues."

Tom nodded, "Best to be on the safe side." He smiled, knowing that he would have a frequent visitor, even if it was the Doctor. Tom had noticed the Doctor had been treating him much kinder than usual.

After a finishing his breakfast, the Doctor examined Tom one more time. "Well, Tom," he began. "You're in much better shape than when you came in a few days ago. I am attaching a cardiac montior to alert me to any changes. As soon as I contact the Captain, Ensign Lang will escort you to your quarters." He walked over to his office to contact the Captain.

"Thanks, Doc," said Tom. He was a little apprehensive at the thought of spending 21 days in his quarters. However, it was better than a tiny cell in the brig. He knew Doc would be by to check on him every few days, and that more than likely Neelix would be by with his meals. So it would not be too bad.

The Doctor came back from his office. "Ensign Lang, if you would escort Mr. Paris to his quarters now." He turned to Tom. "The Captain and Commander Chakotay will be waiting there for you. I believe the Captain will explain what you will and won't be allowed."

Tom got up off the bed and stood to his feet. He slid his feet into the slippers that were at his bedside. He looked at Ensign Lang with a teasing grin. "Forward, onward, outward, and sideways."

She laughed, and gestured for him to follow her. Even after all he had been through, she was glad that Tom had been able to maintain his sense of humor. The orders for Tom to be escorted were so pointless. Tom would have gone directly to his quarters without anyone taking him. The Captain was going way overboard.

When they got to his quarters, the Captain and the Commander were waiting for them. They followed him into his quarters as Ensign Lang took her position outside his door. Inside, they all sat down.

"Now, Tom," began Janeway. "You will serve the remaining twenty-one days here in your quarters. At the Doctor's request, Mr. Neelix will continue to bring your meals so that your diet may be better regulated."

Tom forced himself not to smile. Atta boy, Doc, he thought. Company three times a day. That would help make the next twenty-one days a little easier.

"You will not be allowed to access your computer during that time. However, you will be allowed PADDs with medical texts assigned by the Doctor," continued Janeway. "When your days are served, you will be resume your duties as Chief Helmsman." She glanced at Chakotay. "Do you have anything to add, Commander?"

"Tom, I would encourage you to use these days to try to resolve whatever issues cause you to have nightmares. I had difficulties with my father as well. It took a lot of soul searching, but I made my peace with it," advised Chakotay.

"I'll consider that, Chakotay," replied Tom.

"That's all for now, Ensign Paris," said Captain Janeway. She stood, and Chakotay followed suit. Without another word, she walked out the door with Chakotay following her.


	6. Chapter 6

Tom walked around his quarters. They were just as he had left them. Spying B'Elanna's gown on the floor by his bed, he picked up it. Lifting it to his face, he inhaled her scent. It was a comforting aroma. He laid it on his bed, and walked over to the window and watched the as stars zipped by. He could tell by the view from his window and the vibrations under his feet that the ship was traveling at warp 8. He missed piloting the ship. Twenty-one days to go, just twenty-one days.

In the mess hall, Chakotay sat alone at a table eating lunch. He was reading a PADD.

"Mind if I join you?" asked B'Elanna.

He smiled and pointed to an empty chair. "Have a seat. How are things in engineering?"

"Fine," she said as she took a seat. "Has Tom been moved to his quarters?"

Chakotay nodded, "Yes, the Doctor released him from sickbay this morning. He seemed to be okay when we left him. He's got twenty one days left on his sentence."

"I know," replied B'Elanna.

They were interupted by Neelix as he paused with a tray ladened with covered dishes. "I'm on my way to take Tom his tray. If anyone needs me, I'll be back soon."

"Too bad, I can't hide under one of those dishes," joked B'Elanna.

"I'll tell him that if I get a chance," said Neelix in an understanding tone.

Chakotay raised an eyebrow. "I'll pretend I didn't hear that." The twinkle in his eyes belied his serious tone.

"Well, I'd better hurry, I don't want his food to get cold," said Neelix as he walked towards the door.

When he got to the door, Ensign Lang activated it and let Neelix in while remaining at her post. He walked over to the table and sat the tray down. Tom walked over to see what he had for lunch.

"Tom, B'Elanna wished she were small enough to hide under one of your dishes," whipsered Neelix conspiratorialy.

"I wouldn't mind having B'Elanna for lunch," quipped Tom.

"Well, I'd better be going. It's lunch time and I don't want to leave the mess hall unattended for too long," said Neelix as he walked to the door. It slid open and he left quietly.

Tom sat down and began removing covers from his food. He smiled as he surveyed each item. Grilled chicken breast, steamed rice, salad, fruit cocktail, and a multi-grain roll. The Doctor's dietary restrictions beat the Captain's "basic nutritutional" restrictions. He began eating his meal.

Back in the mess hall, B'Elanna was now sitting alone. Chakotay had finished his lunch and returned to duty. Neelix stopped by her table.

"I relayed your message to Tom," he whispered. "His answer was, 'I wouldn't mind having B'Elanna for lunch.'"

B'Elanna grinned, aware of the double meaning in those words. Sexual innduendo generally escaped Neelix, but not her. "Thanks, Neelix," she said. Rising to her feet, she took her empty dishes to the recycler and left for enginnering.

Right before Tom went to bed, the Doctor came by to check on him and administer his medications.

"You're heart rate and blood pressure appear to be remaining stable. Thus far, I have not found anything that will prevent the nightmares. I think it's something you'll have to work through," explained the Doctor. "The cardiac montior will alert me if you should have problems during the night. Perhaps if you focus on positive memories at bedtime it will influence your dreams."

"At this point, Doc, I'm open to anything that will help," admitted Tom.

The Doctor was pleased by this statement. Perhaps Tom would be open to trying an animal guide as Chakotay had mentioned. "A medic will be by in the morning to give you the next dose of medication. Remember, happy thoughts," admonished the Doctor.

Tom got into bed and pulled B'Elanna's gown to his chest. If he could not have her with him, the gown would serve as a tangible link to her. He dozed off to sleep, thinking of B'Elanna and how much he loved her.

Hours later, Tom awoke...the nightmare had come in spite of his 'happy thoughts' while going to sleep. He had been able to wake up quickly. At least he did not feel as badly as he had prior to the Doctor's treatment for his heart rate and blood pressure problems. Gathering B'Elanna's gown close once more, he went back to sleep, again trying to focus on happier thoughts.

Two days had passed, and the Doctor went to give an updated report on Tom's conditon to the Captain and Chakotay. They were in her Ready Room.

"Mr. Paris has not had any more episodes with his heart rate or blood pressure. My combination of medicines has accomplished that. He is still having the nightmares, though since being moved to his quarters, he is only having them once a night. His stress and anxiety levels are also significantly lower," stated the Doctor.

"He only has 19 days to go," said Janeway. "I'm glad he is not reacting as badly as he was."

The Doctor turned to Chakotay. "Commander, if Tom is willing, you may now work with him on finding his animal guide. I feel comfortable with him using the Akoonah now that his mental and physical health have improved."

"I'll discuss it with him today," replied Chakotay. "If he is open to it, I'll set up a time to get him started."

"I hope it helps him," remarked Captain Janeway. "He needs someone or something to discuss those dreams with."

"His dreams seem to be centered on being shut up in something by his father. In sickbay, he cried out, 'Please don't put me in the chest again.'" said the Doctor.

Janeway paled as she recalled the large ornate cedar chest in the Paris house. "Owen wouldn't have," she gasped.

"Wouldn't have what?" asked Chakotay and the Doctor simutaneously.

"There was a large cedar chest in the Paris' living room. I saw it when I was a guest," she answered.

"Well, if the dreams are repressed memories from his childhood, that may well have happened," said Chakotay. "B'Elanna told me that Tom said his dad was a doting father till he was taken prisoner by the Cardassians. Once he was rescued, his dad was like a different person. Based on his studies with the Doctor, Tom thought his dad suffered from Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome."

"So, Mr. Paris has learned to apply his studies," said the Doctor.

"That could be one reason Tom doesn't discuss the nightmares. He feels his father was not entirely to blame and ...doesn't want others to judge him too harshly," reasoned Captain Janeway.

"Well, whatever the reason may be, he does need to have a way to process that pain, and if he is willing, using an animal guide may help him," replied the Doctor.

"I'll take it up with him today," said Chakotay.

"Just remember, Commander, I need to be present when he attempts to contact his animal guide so that I may monitor his vital signs," the Doctor reminded Chakotaty.

"I will, Doctor," he answered.

"Is there anything else, gentlemen?" asked Janeway.

They both shook their heads.

"Very well, dismissed," she said thoughtfully.

As they left, she sat comtemplating their discussion. She knew that she had been hard on Tom, but he was far too impulsive and needed consequences that would make an impression on him. She could only hope that he and the others would eventually understand.


	7. Chapter 7

Chakotay stood at the door to Tom's quarters. Ensign Lang pressed the chime to let Tom know someone was about to enter. He looked at the door wondering who it was. The Doctor had already been there, it was not lunch time--so it wasn't Neelix. He wondered who it could possibly be. The door slid open, and Chakotay walked in. He rose to his feet and lay the PADD he had been studying aside.

"Commander," he said politely. He had automatically assumed an "at attention" stance. Years of training and growing up in the Paris household had instilled that in him.

"At ease, Tom," said Chakotay softly. He studied Tom for a few seconds. The young man definitely looked better than he had a few days prior. "I would like to talk with you," he continued.

Tom nodded and indicated the chair across from the one he had been sitting in. They both sat down. Tom wondered what brought Chakotay here. He was after all still under solitary confinement, even if he was now in his quarters and not in the brig.

"Tom, B'Elanna had a suggestion to help you deal with your nightmares," began Chakotay.

"She did," replied Tom, wondering if Chakotay who at times served as an ad hoc ship's counselor was going to try to get him to open it.

"Yes, she suggested that you might be willing to try the Native American custom of talking to an animal guide. I introduced her to hers..." he chuckled at the memory. "She assures me that you are not likely to try to kill yours like she did hers."

Tom laughed, that sounded like something B'Elanna would do. He also knew that Chakotay had introduced the Captain to her animal guide as well. An animal guide might be a way to deal with his childhood traumas and not have to drag his father's name through mud. "I think I would be interested, Chakotay," admitted Tom.

"I can come back with my medicine bundle later on. How does 1500 hours sound?" asked Chakotay.

"By some stroke of luck, I seem to be unoccupied at that time," said Tom with a twinkle in his eye.

Chakotay smiled, it was good to see that in spite of everything, Tom had not lost his sense of humor. "Well, then I'll see you at 1500, Tom. The Doctor will be with us. He merely wants to be able to monitor you while you use the Akoonah for the first time." He stood and walked to the door.

"See you then, Chakotay," said Tom.

He signaled Ensign Lang, and she opened the door for him. He was glad that Tom was willing to try. If this was successful, it be very benefical to him. He headed to Enginneering to pick up the report from B'Elanna that he would need for his working lunch with the Captain.

When B'Elanna saw him walk into engineering, she headed to her office to get the PADD with the report. He followed her inside.

"How's Tom," she asked, knowing that he had brought up her suggestion of finding his animal guide.

"He looks much better than he did a few days ago. We discussed animal guides, and he is willing to try," answered Chakotay.

"That's good," replied B'Elanna. "He needs to deal with whatever happened to him."

"Well, I have to get to my meeting with the Captain," said Chakotay. "I'll see you later."

"Yeah, later, let me know how things go with Tom," she said quietly.

Chakotay headed to the bridge. Working lunches in the Ready Room weren't altogether bad. They always replicated their lunches, which meant avoiding some of Neelix's more unappetizing dishes.

Once they were settled with their lunches, the Captain and Chakotay began reviewing reports. Suddenly, the Captain banged a PADD down.

"Something wrong?" asked Chakotay.

"I am tired of the errors in the helm reports," she snapped. "You'd think these officers had never written a report in their lives."

Chakotay picked up the PADD and read over the highlighted areas. The errors were minor, not really affecting the information presented. "I'll speak to them," he said. "I'll review the 'proper format' for the reports."

"Good, because if I have to speak to them one more time, I may have to make them walk the plank," she said with a chuckle.

She put down the last PADD they had to review. "Well, that wraps up these reports. Next order of business...How did Tom respond to the suggestion of trying an animal guide?"

"He was very receptive. I am going back at 1500 hours to get him started. The Doctor has been notified as he requested and will be present as well," said Chakotay.

"That's good. Those dreams need to be addressed. How did he seem otherwise?" she asked.

"He looks much better than he did when he was beamed into sickbay. He's still a little stressed, but not like he was in the brig," answered Chakotay.

"I would never have put him in the brig like that had I known about his claustrophobia. How could something like that not be in his records?" asked Janeway.

"He probably kept it well hidden. We both have had contact with the Admiral. He would not have tolerated any perceived weakness," answered Chakotay. Taking a deep breath, he decided to broach the subject of Tom's sentence. "I was wondering..."

"Yes," said the Captain.

"So many others on this crew have royally screwed up, myself included, but no one has ever been disciplined as severely as Tom. Why were you so hard on him?" asked Chakotay.

The Captain picked up her coffee cup and took a big sip. "Chakotay, I know everyone thinks I was hard on Tom. I had to satisify the Moneans, things could have gotten very messy otherwise. Also, while Tom's behavior is generally expemplary, he is implusive...very implusive. Yes, he has saved the ship and this crew many times over, but that doesn't change facts. We barely avoided a conflict with the Moneans. They would have been well within their rights to demand we turn Tom over to them. Also, when we get back home, Starfleet can't say that Tom wasn't properly dealt with and try to lock him back up."

"I see," said Chakotay softly. He still didn't agree that the punishment fit the crime, but it was nice to know her reasoning. "Hopefully, Tom will think before acting next time."

"I hope so," answered Janeway. "It hurt me to have to discipline him. He has come such a long way from the flippant young man I first encountered in Aukland."

"He's certainly not the same man who I recruited for the Maquis," commented Chakotay as he recalled those days.

"Well, I think we've wrapped up everything we needed to do during our 'working lunch,'" said Janeway in a rather distracted tone.

Chakotay understood that the Captain needed some time alone to settle her thoughts about Tom. He rose to his feet. "I'll take the bridge now so Tuvok can have lunch."

She nodded and he left quietly. Walking over to the window, she gazed at the stars and planets as they flew by. They were alone here in the Delta Quadrant. No help or back up or back up from Starfleet. She had sole responsiblity for everything and everyone. It was not an easy job. There were just no easy answers.

Chakotay and the Doctor arrived at Tom's quarters at 1500 hours. Ensign Lang pressed the chime to let Tom know that the Doctor and Commander were about to enter his quarters. Tom stood nervously as they entered. This was a major step he was undertaking.

"Tom," began Chakotay noticing his nervousness. "Are you ready?"

"As ready as I'll ever be," said Tom. "I appreciate you taking the time to help me."

Chakotay walked to the middle of the room. "Let's sit here on the floor." He sat down and Tom joined him.

"I'll sit here in the chair and monitor Mr. Paris. I'll be as unobtrusive as possible," said the Doctor.

Chakotay sat his medicine bundle down on the floor between them. "This is my medicine bundle. You'll have to eventually assemble your own as well." He unwrapped it and began pulling things out. "I have a blackbird's wing, a rock from the river, and an Akoonah. My ancestors used psychoactive herbs to aid in their vision quests. Now we use a more modern method...the Akoonah."

"How do you decide what to put in the medicine bundle?" asked Tom.

"You choose things that have speical meaning for you. I chose a blackbird's wing because one of my ancestors flew a Lockheed SR-71 Type A. It was a long-range, advanced, strategice reconnaissance aircraft. It was unoffically known as the blackbird. The blackbird's wing honors him. I bear his name."

"I've seen pictures of those," said Tom with a touch of awe in his voice.

Chakotay picked up the rock. "This rock came from a river on my homeworld," he said in a quiet and solemn tone.

He sat the rock back down with reverence. "You will have to select items that have meaning for you," he explained. He picked up the Akoonah. I will replicate an Akoonah for you if you find you wish to continue after today. For now, you may use mine."

"Thank you," whispered Tom.

He sat the Akoonah back down. "Place your hand on the Akoonah and concentrate on the Blackbird wing," instructed Chakotay.

Tom did as he was told with no hesistation. His nervousness had been alleviated by Chakotay's calm manner and patient explanations.

"A-koo-chee-moya. We are far from the sacred places of our grandfathers. We are far from the bones of our people. But perhaps there is one powerful being who will embrace this man and give him the answers he seeks. Close your eyes, Tom. Breathe to fuel the light in your belly, and let it expand until the light is everywhere. Now, leave these quarters and this ship, and go to a place where you were the most content and peaceful. You can see all around this place. You hear the sounds of this place."

Tom saw the wild, untamed grasslands of Africa, where his father had taken the family on a vacation when he was five. "I recognize this place," said Tom in wonder.

"Don't discuss with me what you see, Tom. It will offend your animal guide. While you look around, you will find other life that shares this place with you. Your animal guide will be the first animal that you see," instructed Chakotay in a soft voice. "That is the animal you will speak to. Have you spotted an animal?"

"Yes," answered Tom. He looked at the majestic Bengal Tiger that was standing before him. It was a beautiful creature."

"Speak to it, Tom. It will help you find your answers," prompted Chakotay.

Chakotay turned to look at the Doctor, who nodded his head to let him know that Tom was doing fine.

The Tiger looked at Tom. "Ah, my little one, I have long awaited my chance to meet you. You have walked a long and difficult path. You have friends who are concerned about you."

"They all wonder about my dreams," began Tom. "I can't tell them."

"Perhaps you can tell me," rumbled the Tiger.

"My dad...at first he was a very doting father. I was his only son. I had three older sisters, but I was the only boy..." Tom sat in the grass and the Tiger laid down on her stomach.

"Go on, little one," she said.

"He was proud when I was able to fly shuttles and handle hard simulations...but then..." Tom hesistated.

"Then," what prompted the Tiger.

"The damn Cardassians took him prisoner," said Tom angrily. "They tortured him...by the time he was rescued, he had been hurt really bad."

"Trauma can affect people in many different ways," said the Tiger.

"He was never the same. He became very hard and demanding. He...he...he locked me in a cedar chest whenever I was not meeting his expectations...till I got too big for that. Then he shut me up in a closet. He was strong...and could overpower me. Mom never knew. He only did it when she wasn't home. I hated him for the way he treated me. Then, when I admitted I had lied about Caldick Prime...he told me I was no longer his son...that I was no longer welcome in 'his' house...I left and ended up with the Maquis. They needed pilots and I needed someone to pay my bar tabs. I was caught on my first mission. At least I kept them from finding the others. My dad's reaction was even worse then...He, he spit in my face and told me I was the most useless excuse for a human he ever saw...and that if he ever saw me again, it would be too soon."

Tears rolled down Tom's cheeks as he recounted his painful past. "When I started studying medicine with the Doctor here in the Delta Quadrant, I learned a lot about Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome. It didn't take long to realize that was what happened to my Dad. It helped me to see that the things he did were because of that, so they weren't really his fault. The trauma the Cardassians caused him changed him totally. The others would not understand."

"They might understand more than you think they would, little one," said the Tiger softly. "Now, it is time for you to end this vision quest and return to your friends. You will see me again if you choose. I can help you, if you are willing."

"I'm willing," whispered Tom. In a few seconds the grassland disappeared. He opened his eyes and found himself in his quarters. The Doctor and Chakotay were watching him carefully.

"Are you okay, Tom?" asked Chakotay.

"Yes," whispered Tom. "Thanks, Chakotay, I think I may have started on the path to my anwers."

"Your vital signs remained stabe throughout the quest, Tom," said the Doctor. "Since you found it helpful, I would suggest you continue with them."

"I will," answered Tom.

"We'll go now, Tom and let you think over what happened. I'll bring you an Akoonah. You need to think of meaningful things to include in your medicine bundle," said Chakotay.

"I will," replied Tom.

The Doctor and Chakotay got up and quietly exited the quartes, leaving Tom to his thoughts.


	8. Chapter 8

"Commander," began the Doctor. "I would like to speak to you in my office."

Chakotay nodded, and they walked to the turbolift. Neither man spoke until they were seated in the Doctor's office.

"Mr. Paris seemed to have no physical difficulties during his vision quest," said the Doctor. "However, I would prefer that you supervise his vision quests for now, to be on the safe side."

"That's probably a good idea. Sometimes the quests can be rather intense depending on what happens," answered Chakotay. "I think if Tom sticks with it, he'll find the practice quite beneficial."

"Physically, he appears to have improved a great deal. His blood pressure is within normal limits. His heart rate is also within normal limits. I will be adjusting his evening medications if nothing changes," said the Doctor.

"Well, his quarters are much bigger than a brig cell," began Chakotay. "He has more room to move around, and he's in very familiar surroundings. That has to help."

"It does," replied the Doctor. "I think he will be able to complete the remainder of his punishment without the problems we saw in the brig."

"That's what I think too," replied Chakotay. "And, if consulting his animal guide works out for him too, I think that will help him deal with the demons from his past."

"Which is where quite a few of Mr. Paris' problems lie,"answered the Doctor softly.

"Well, Doctor, if there is nothing else, I need to report to the bridge," Chakotay said as he rose to his feet.

When he walked onto the bridge, Tuvok looked up. "Commander Chakotay, the Captain would like to see you in her Ready Room."

"Thanks, Tuvok,"he replied as he walked over to the Ready Room door and pressed the announcer chime.

The doors slid open and he walked in. "Chakotay," began the Captain as the door slid shut, "have a seat."

He sat down and waited to see what the Captain wanted.

"How did Tom's encounter with his animal guide go?"she asked.

"I think it went well," he replied. "Tom seemed very calm and introspective afterwards. He wants to continue with them. The Doctor said that he observed no physical problems during the quest."

"I'm glad he's found a way to address his problems," the Captain said softly.

"The Doctor wants me to supervise Tom's vision quests for the time being. Just to make sure he has no adverse affects. I'll be replicating him an Akoonah. I also told him that he needs to assemble his own medicine bundle," explained Chakotay.

"It's probably a good idea for him to be supervised at first. That way if something were to happen, you would be there to help him,"she said quietly.

"Tom handled the first vision quest very well, but as he deals with more difficult issues, the vision quests can get more intense," admitted Chakotay.

"It might be best if you warn him ahead of time that they can become intense," advised Captain Janeway.

"I will," Chakotay assured her. "I plan on taking his Akoonah to him tomorrow. We'll talk more about vision quests then. I want Tom to get as much benefit from the vision quests as possible."

"I appreciate you helping him, Chakotay. More than you'll ever know. Tom has so much potential. I hate to see him waste any of it." She picked up a PADD and smiled. "I know his helm reports are almost always perfect. Too bad that has not rubbed off on the others," she said ruefully.

Chakotay laughed. "Just don't make any of our pilots walk the plank," he kidded her. "We need all of them."

She laughed and it was like music to Chakotay's ears. It had been a long time since he heard her really laugh. "Don't worry, I won't. I may give them my 'death glare,' but I won't make the walk the plank."

"Do you need anything else, Captain?" he asked.

"Not right now, Chakotay," she said with a smile.

He smiled back, "Then I'll go back to the bridge." He walked out of the Ready Room and took his seat at the command console. The remainder of the shift passed quietly.

Chakotay sat in his quarters sipping a cup of hot tea. He planned to contact his animal guide before going to bed. He hoped the wolf would have more words of wisdom for him. He was jarred from his contemplation by his door chime. "Come," he called, and the door slid open to admit B'Elanna. He had expected she would be by to see how Tom was doing. "Come on in, B'Elanna," he said.

She walked in and sat in a chair. "Did everything go okay with Tom?" she asked.

"Things went fine, B'Elanna. I think using an animal guide will help Tom a lot. He did well for his first time," he said.

He handed her a cup of hot tea. "I know this is hard on you too. You just have to hang in there, and more importantly, be there for Tom when he is released. He's going to need you," Chakotay said softly.

"I know," she said. "It's so frustrating. I really want to see him. I'm going to ask the Captain tomorrow if I can visit him."

"I wouldn't count on it, B'Elanna. Right now the only people he has any contact with are the Doctor, Neelix, security officers and myself. I am only being allowed to see him to facilitate his vision quests," explained Chakotay.

"Ah, the Doctor must have ordered that." Understanding gleamed in her eyes. "The Doctor has it set up so that Tom gets visitors. He's grown a lot since he was activated."

"Yes, he has," replied Chakotay. "He may be irritating at times, but he really does care for this crew."

"I'm still going to ask the Captain to let me see Tom. Nothing tried, nothing gained," said B'Elanna.

"Just don't get your hopes up," said Chakotay. "She is not likely to yield an inch on this."

"I know," replied B'Elanna with a sigh. "But I have to try."

They sat in silence for a while. Finally, B'Elanna put down her empty tea cup. "Thanks for the tea and for the ear," she said with a small smile.

"Anytime, B'Elanna," he said.

She walked out of his quarters and back down to her own. It was going to be another long and lonely night.


	9. Chapter 9

**Chakotay got out his medicine bundle and sat on the floor. He spread his bundle out and placed his hand on the Akoonah. **"A-koo-chee-moya, I am far from the lands of my ancestors. I seek to commune with she who is my spirit guide to seek wisdom. As he opened his eyes, the she wolf sat along with his father by a flickering campfire.

"Hello my son," said Kolopak.

"Hello, father, hello wolf," said Chakotay softly.

"I have brought your father here so that we both might impart wisdom to you regarding your friend," said the she wolf.

"I am pleased that you have introduced another friend to our ways, my son," said his father. "Tom will benefit much from this sharing."

"He has made an initial contact with his spirit guide. He wishes to continue. I hope he can find some measure of peace," said Chakotay.

The she wolf nuzzled his hand. "He will, little one. His guide is wise and will lead him wisely.

"Tom has walked a lonely and difficult path, Chakotay," began his father. "There is much pain in his spirit."

"Father, are his dreams reflections of what was?" asked Chakotay.

"I can not tell you, my son. Only Tom may reveal that if he chooses. It is his story to tell. Those of us who walk the spirit sky may not interfere with the choices of those who walk on the plain," his father patiently reminded him.

"Yes, father," answered Chakotay. "He keeps much hidden. Not even his mate knows the truth of his nightmares."

The she wolf looked up at him. "He will tell his story in his own time. Much pain must be released before he will be able to do so."

Meanwhile, in her quarters, B'Elanna had once again wrapped herself in Tom's blue robe. It provided a small measure of comfort. Tomorrow, she would ask the Captain to permit her a brief visit with Tom. She had a feeling Chakotay was right about the Captain denying her access to him, but she had to try. Tonight, she would sleep in his robe, then perhaps tomorrow, his arms would hold her instead of his robe.

In his quarters, Tom prepared for bed. The Doctor had already been by to with his medication. He was still wearing the cardiac monitor, as a precaution. The doctor had been quite pleased with how much Tom's health had improved after his confinement had been switched to his quarters. Tom had to admit he felt much better, though the idea of not being able to leave his quarters still left him a little jumpy and edgy. At least they were room and spacious. The view port also lessened the sense of being closed in.

He turned down his bed and pulled B'Elanna's gown from under his pillow. Her scent still lingered on it, and Tom found it quite comforting. He would sleep with it again tonight. Slipping, into his bed, he snuggled the gown against his chest and closed his eyes. Tomorrow, he would commune with his spirit guide again. He was certain that the Tiger could help him deal with the pain of the past.

The next morning after the briefing, B'Elanna waited till all of the others had left then spoke. "Captain, I would like to speak with you privately, if I may."

Captain Janeway nodded, and replied, "Of course you may." She had a feeling she knew what this was about.

"Captain, I respectfully request permission to visit Tom," she said in an extremely polite tone.

The Captain sighed, "B'Elanna, have a seat on the sofa. We need to talk." She walked over to the replicator and spoke too low for B'Elanna to hear. She returned with two steaming mugs. After handing one to B'Elanna, she sat down as well.

For a few moments, both women sipped the steamy hot coffee in silence. Then, the Captain turned to her. "B'Elanna, I know everyone thinks I was too hard on Tom." She closed her eyes and shook her head. "There are things that no one knows, not even Chakotay. I was lucky to get the Moneans to agree to let me handle Tom's actions. At first, they wanted him tried in their courts."

B'Elanna could only stare in shock at the Captain. No one had even been aware of this.

"I was finally able to convince them of how badly we needed Tom. It took a lot of negotiating with them to come to an agreement. The details of the agreement are in my log. Riga was not as fortunate as Tom. He was convicted of high treason. He will spend the rest of his life in hard labor."

"But why," began B'Elanna.

"Since the records of the agreement are in the permanent ship records, I had to follow it. If we do make it home sooner than expected, then Starfleet and the Federation can't say Tom had to go back to prison for this incident," answered the Captain.

"But, why can't I visit him for just a few minutes?" she asked sadly.

"The only good thing that has come from all of this is Tom's willingness to deal with his past. He's doing that now. Spending the next 18 days facing his 'issues' will help him move past them. At least that's my hope," said the Captain.

"He does need to do that," admitted B'Elanna. "But it doesn't make me miss him any less."

"I know," answered Captain Janeway. "I miss his presence on the bridge." A look of pain crossed her face. "If I had known about his claustrophobia, I would have confined him to his quarters to begin with." She looked B'Elanna directly in the eyes. "I know my anger clouded my judgment somewhat at first, but now, I am focusing on what is best for Tom. I really think that if he continues with the spirit guide that he will make progress in dealing with the abuse from his past."

B'Elanna held the Captain's gaze. "Did you know about it before now?"

"No, I don't think anyone had any idea. Owen Paris hid his behaviors too well. I know he became a tougher instructor after the Cardassians, but I never realized that there were home problems," she admitted. "I hope you understand why I want Tom to have those remaining days to work things out."

"Actually, I do," replied B'Elanna as she stood up and sat her coffee mug on the table. "Permission to return to engineering?"

Janeway nodded, and watched as B'Elanna left her Ready Room. She and Tom were so lucky to have each other. The burdens of being the Captain did not allow for her to have such a relationship.


	10. Chapter 10

Tom sat in a chair studying a medical text the Doctor had left for him. It was somewhat boring, but it beat doing nothing. As his chime sounded to alert him that the guard was about to allow someone to enter, he sat the PADD down and stood up.

The door slid open, and Commander Chakotay walked in. Tom moved into an attention stance. "Commander," he said politely.

"At ease, Tom. I'm here to see if you would like to schedule you next visit with your spirit guide," said Chakotay in a soft voice.

Tom smiled a bit, recalling how friendly the she tiger was. "I would like to continue sometime today," he admitted. "In fact, I would like to continue with it every day. I realize Doc wants you to continue to supervise me during them for now. So, I'll understand if you don't have time for it everyday."

"I'll make time for it, Tom," Chakotay assured him. Now that Tom was actually working on facing his past, Chakotay was going to do all he could to help the young man. After, he owed his life to Tom, and not just for rescuing him in the tunnels of the Ocampan home world. Tom had saved the ship and everyone on board so many times.

"I really appreciate that, Chakotay," replied Tom sincerely.

"Why don't we keep it at 1500 hours each day," suggested Chakotay, knowing that Tom needed stability in his more than ever right now.

"That works for me," answered Tom. "I've already decided on things for my 'medicine bundle.'"

Chakotay nodded. "Good, I'll see you at 1500 hours." He stood and walked to the door and left.

Tom wandered over to the view port and stared out into space. He wondered what Chakotay would think of the items he had gathered for his bundle. They were items that very very significant to his and his life. One item was from his Alpha Quadrant life. The other two were from his life here in the Delta Quadrant. The two different eras of his life seemed so far removed from each other. The Alpha Quadrant held many memories. They were both good and painful. The Delta Quadrant held mostly pleasant memories. He wondered if he was the only one who was content to be here. His mind drifted back to the letter from his father. Only the header had come through. It had read from Admiral Owen Paris. Was that because he had sent it from his office, or was it because he still rejected his son? Yet, he had taken the time to send the message. If only he knew what the message had said...

Chakotay strode onto the bridge, nodding to the others as he took his seat next to the Captain. He leaned towards her and whispered softly, "I've scheduled Tom's next vision quest. He wants to do them on a daily basis. I decided that having it scheduled at the same time every day would provide some security and stability for him."

Captain Janeway glanced around the bridge, then turned back to Chakotay. "Let's discuss this in my ready room," she whispered. Then she turned to Tuvok. "Mr. Tuvok, you have the bridge."

They rose and walked across the bridge and entered her ready room. Once inside, she walked to the replicator and got them something to drink while Chakotay waited on the couch. Handing him his mug, she sat down by him.

"So, Tom wants to do this every day?" she asked sipping on the steamy hot coffee.

"That's what he said. I'm not sure how long the Doctor will want me to supervise him, but if this will help Tom deal with the past, then it's more than worth the time and effort," replied Chakotay.

"Yes, it is," answered the Capitan quietly. "It's hard to accept that Owen Paris may have had a dark side. I was his Science Officer for a long time. But then, after the Cardassians held us captive, he was never the same. It was not long after that Starfleet made him an instructor at the academy. I continued with my career on ships and we only saw each when my ship was in orbit of earth."

"The Cardassians are well known for their cruel and brutal treatment of their prisoners. You seemed to have been better able to cope than the Admiral," commented Chakotay.

I think he blamed himself for what happened to us, and that just made matters worse," she said.

"I think we all do that to some extent when something happens under our command," said Chakotay, gazing off into space. "We all have some demons from our pasts. Some are just more difficult to handle than others."

"They certainly are," she remarked as she remembered things from her command. "Keep me posted on how Tom is doing"

"I will," he answered. "Tom's going to come out of this a stronger, more well-adjusted person."

"I know," she replied. "Let's get back to the bridge. We have a ship to run."

At 1500 hours, Tom was ready when Chakotay entered his quarters. As usual Tom rose when he entered. Chakotay sat on the floor and motioned for Tom to join him. Tom picked up a small bag off the table and sat down by the Commander.

"I assume those are the items you want in your medicine bundle," said Chakotay in a questioning tone.

"Yes, they are," replied Tom. He opened the bag and removed the first item. It was a pair of pilot's wings from the twenty-first century. "These belonged to Captain Thomas Michael Paris. He was in the United Stated Air Force. They have been passed down for generations to the Thomases in my family." He sat them down, noting an approving nod from Chakotay. Next he pulled out a mesh like bag containing some dark hair. He smiled sheepishly at Chakotay and said, "Some locks of B'Elanna's hair from one of the times she cut it." Tom blushed a bit as he looked at the bag of hair.

"It's important to you, Tom, that's what matters. Your bundle should contain things that hold special meaning for you," explained Chakotay.

Tom smiled and pulled out a miniature scaled model of the Delta Flyer. "B'Elanna gave me this not long after we built the flyer." Looking at the gift brought back warm memories of the night she had given it to him.

Chakotay nodded once more. Then he held out the Akoonah he had replicated for Tom. "Here's another item for your bundle. An Akoonah of your own."

Tom took it solemnly and sat it by the other items. "Thanks, Commander," he replied.

"Tom, there is one thing you need to be aware of. As you delve further into your past issues, the visions are likely to become very intense. Don't let that discourage you. It's all a part of the healing process," explained Chakotay quietly watching Tom's face as he spoke.

"I understand," said Tom softly. "But it will be worth it."

"Are you ready, Tom?" asked Chakotay.

He nodded.

"Place your hand on the Akoonah and concentrate on the bag with B'Elanna's hair. A-koo-chee-moya, We are far from the sacred places of our grandfathers. We are far from the bones of our people. But perhaps there is one powerful being who will embrace this man and give him the answers he seeks. Close your eyes, Tom. Breathe to fuel the light in your belly, and let it expand until the light is everywhere. Now, return to the place of you animal guide."

Tom opened his eyes and saw the she tiger laying on the grasslands of an African plain. He chuckled as he sat down beside her.

"Welcome, little one," rumbled the she tiger. "Why do you laugh?"

"Well, we're in the African grasslands, and tigers are actually from Asia," answered Tom.

"Just as a person's animal guide doesn't define who he or she is, nor does the location you feel most at peace limit the animal guide's identity," said the she tiger. She rubbed her head against his side. "Tell me, little one, how are you today?"

"I'm feeling better physically. It's still a little unnerving to be limited to my quarters," admitted Tom. "On the other hand, it is giving me time to deal with the past." He slowly stroked the she tiger's back. "Dad wasn't always so harsh. Before the Cardassians, he was strict, but in a reasonable way. Then after being held by the Cardassians, he was different."

"Tell me about," prompted the she Tiger.

Tom continued. "After that, there was very little of the gentle dad anymore. It was all about turning me into the perfect cadet. No matter that I was six, almost seven. He was going to make sure that I was ready, and I was tough. I already told you how he would shut me up in the cedar chest when I disappointed him. There were some times that were good. He still believed in reading to me at bedtime, and it was still the classics. Jules Vern was one of my favorites." A small smile played across his lips as he recalled lying in his bed as his father sat in the rocker and read to him.

"So, there was some good along with the bad," stated the she tiger.

"Yes," answered Tom. "I finished the academy, and was serving in Starfleet. Even made it up to Lieutenant Junior Grade...then it happened."

"What happened, little one?" asked the she tiger, who knew, but waited for Tom to reveal it for himself.

"Caldick Prime happened. Because of MY pilot error, three other officers died. At first I lied about it. I was so afraid of what my dad would think and do. The nightmares came, they wouldn't go away. I confessed. Starfleet was not at all forgiving. I was cashiered out of the service. My dad went ballistic on me. He told me I was the most worthless excuse for a human he had ever seen. He also told me I was no longer his son, to get out of his house and never come back," answered Tom with tears in his eyes. "When I needed him the most, he disowned me.

"That was a decision made in anger. People often say things in anger that they later deeply regret," answered the she Tiger.

"Well, I don't know that he regretted it," said Tom somewhat angrily. "When I was caught on my first mission for the Maquis and sentenced to Auckland, he spit in my face and told me that I was definitely no longer his son. He said that when my 5 year sentence was up, that I should not even expect to be able to come to HIS house."

"However," began the she tiger. "Did he not send you letters to Auckland."

Tom swallowed hard and looked at the she tiger sheepishly. "How did you know about that?"

The she tiger shook her head in amusement. "Little one, I am your animal guide. I know much about you and your life."

"Then you also know I refused all of the letters he sent. I only accepted letters from my mom and my sisters. None of them even mentioned dad's letters, so they must have been pretty bad," said Tom.

"But, do you know that for certain, little one?" inquired the she tiger.

Tom brought his hand up to his chin. "No, not really."

"Then, there was the letter he sent through the alien relay stations," began the she tiger.

"That never made it past the headers. Starfleet, _Admiral _Owen Paris, not just Owen Paris, but Admiral Owen Paris of Starfleet," said Tom with a trace of bitterness.

"Why do you think the header read that way little one?" asked the she tiger patiently.

"That's what I don't know," said Tom in a tortured voice. "Was it because he was at his office? Or was it because he was letting me know that he would still never consider me his son in spite of how I have grown and changed."

The she tiger nodded her head. "Little one, you have changed. The name Tom Paris brings with it respect and honor here on Voyager brings with it admiration and respect."

Tom nodded. "I guess I'll have to wait a long time to find out. Meanwhile, I am getting way too restless being couped up in my quarters. Do you have any suggestions for me, she tiger?"

The she tiger looked at him carefully and realized that they would get no further with his father at this time. Tom needed to process what they had already discussed. "Little one, have you thought about making a schedule for yourself? It would help you to have your day planned out. Then, little one, you would have more structure in your day."

"That's a good point," admitted Tom. "I will do that. I am also going to ask the doctor if I can start exercising some in my quarters. Now that my blood pressure and heart rate are stabilized, I don't see why he would object."

"Exercise will also help with your levels of stress and tension, little one. Now, it is time for you to return to your friends. You need time to process that which we have discussed."

Tom found himself back in his quarters. Chakotay was sitting quietly beside him. He looked inquiringly at Tom.

"That was interesting," said Tom in an introspective tone. "I have a lot to think about."

Noting how truly introspective Tom looked, Chakotay rose to his feet. "I'm glad this is working for you, Tom. I'll see you tomorrow at 1500 hours. He quietly walked to the door and let himself out.


	11. Chapter 11

Tom had been contemplating all that he had discussed with the she tiger for a while when he was startled out of his by the chime announcing someone was being granted entry by the security guard. He slowly stood and was surprised to see the Doctor walk in.

"Hi, Doc," he said. "I didn't realize it was as late as it was. I've been thinking a lot about the vision quest I had today."

"That is an excellent use of your time, Tom," said the doctor as he began scanning Tom with the medical tricoder. He studied the readings and smiled. "You are doing much better, Tom. Your blood pressure and heart rate have remained stable all day on a the reduced dosage of medications. I am going to try and see how you do without it tonight. You may be able to go off of the meds sooner than expected."

Tom paled, wondering if that meant he would also be headed back to that tiny, confining brig cell. He couldn't take it. He would go mad.

Noticing Tom's distress, the Doctor felt a need to reassure his patient. "That does not mean I will allow you to be returned to the brig, Tom. Your improvements are because you are in a setting that lessens your claustrophobia to a great extent."

Tom sighed in relief. "That's good to know. Say, Doc, since I am doing so much better, would it be okay for me to exercise during the day. I think that would help me with tension? My animal guide agreed with me."

The Doctor nodded, "That's an excellent idea. Exercise is almost always good for you. Just don't over do and pace yourself. If you have no further questions, I'll be returning to sickbay. The cardiac monitor will alert me if any problems occur. Good night."

"Goodnight, Doc," answered Tom. He stood as the Doctor walked out the door.

Tom stretched and walked to his bedroom. He stripped down to a tee shirt and his briefs and crawled into bed, once again gathering B'Elanna's gown to his chest. For the first time in days, he did not dread going to sleep. Maybe, just maybe he would only have peaceful dreams.

The next morning, Chakotay and Captain Janeway sat in her Ready Room drinking coffee while he updated her on Tom.

"Tom was very introspective after his vision quest yesterday afternoon," said Chakotay. "I think he may have made significant progress in it."

"That's good," began Captain Janeway. "Maybe he'll drop some of those barriers he keeps up. He's come such a long way. I know Owen would be proud of him. It's too bad that his message didn't download before the alien relays went down."

"I know it really bothered B'Elanna, that his message was lost," began Chakotay. "She had really hoped that the message from his father would bring some closure for Tom."

"It's too bad the Doctor didn't get a chance to speak with Owen. I know he would have sent some sort of message back to Tom. I can't help but believe when he heard the report the Doctor gave Starfleet that he was proud of Tom," said Captain Janeway.

"I hope Tom can find peace over his relationship with his father like I did," said Chakotay.

"I know that Owen had hoped Tom would be willing to see him after our mission," commented Captain Janeway.

Chakotay frowned, remembering how she had originally been sent to hunt him and the others down and capture them. He forced the negative feelings down.

"He told us to start looking in Terikof Belt. We were headed there when we were brought to the Delta Quadrant," she said quietly.

"Terikof Belt??" said Chakotay in surprise. "We didn't have any bases there." He pondered that. Tom had deliberately misguided Captain Janeway to keep her from finding them.

"I see," said Captain Janeway. "Well, it would seem he had some loyalty to you after all."

"I hope you're not too upset over that," replied Chakotay gently.

"No, we knew to look in the badlands, and would have been there at the time regardless. Since then, he has proven himself time and again. If he hadn't lied about Caldick Prime, he'd probably be a Commander by now," mused Captain Janeway.

"I think you're right. Though, I really think Tom is more interested in flying than command. I think one reason he accepted our offer to join the Maquis was so he could fly. Of course at the time, I only saw him as a mercenary," admitted Chakotay. "When he risked his life to save me in the Ocampan tunnels, I knew for certain there was more to him than meets the eye."

"I saw the same thing while we were dealing with the Caretaker," remarked Captain Janeway as she stood up. "Shall we go to the bridge?"

Chakotay smiled and nodded. They both walked to the Ready Room door and entered the bridge.


	12. Chapter 12

In Tom's quarters, the Doctor scanned him with medical tricoder, as he did every time he came to check on him. The readings were within normal limits. "Well, Tom, your blood pressure and heart rate are still stable. The cardiac monitor did not give any alerts for last night. You won't need any medication again this morning."

Tom smiled, "That's good. I actually had a good night's sleep with no nightmares. The dreams I did have were actually nice."

"I still want to keep you on the restricted diet," explained the Doctor. "It will be helpful in keeping your blood pressure stable. You don't have very many days left now. Once your thirty days are up, you will be off the restricted diet provided you have no further health problems."

"Hey, it may be _restricted _ as you say, but it sure beats leola root. It's a little bland though," said Tom. "I don't suppose I could talk you into letting me have some pizza."

"No, pizza is not on your current diet. It's too high in fat and sodium. There will be ample time for you to indulge yourself in pizza later," said the Doctor sternly.

"Oh well, nothing tried, nothing gained," answered Tom with a impish grin.

The Doctor sighed, "Have a good day, Tom." With that, he walked to the door and let himself out.

The morning had gone very smoothly, and Chakotay was taking a late lunch. As he picked up some food from the serving line, he saw B'Elanna and Harry sitting at a table. He walked over to them.

"May I join you?" he asked.

"Sure, Commander, have a seat," replied Harry.

Chakotay sat down with them. "How are the two of you doing?"

"Well, except for missing Tom, I am doing okay," said B'Elanna. "I did ask the Captain if I could visit Tom. You were right, she did refuse me, but she did give me an explanation of her actions which provided some food for thought."

"Oh? Care to enlighten us, B'Elanna?" asked Chakotay.

"Uh, I'd rather keep it between the Captain and myself," she said softly.

"Understood," answered Chakotay. "How about you Harry, how are you doing?"

"Well, at first, I had nightmares about being ordeded to fire on the Delta Flyer, but those have finally gone away. I wish Tom on the bridge. He generally makes it a lot more interesting," explained Harry.

"He does make it _interesting_," chucked Chakotay. "I wanted to let both of you know that Tom is doing well. The Doctor's report this morning stated that Tom's blood pressure and heart rate have stabilized to the extent that while he is still on a restricted diet, he has not had to administer the last two scheduled doses of medication. I also think that talking with his animal guide is helping him a lot too."

"I talked to the Doctor, and he says once Tom has served the thirty days, that he will be off the restricted diet as long as he has no further health problems. I'm going to fix him a supper that he won't soon forget," said B'Elanna with a mischievous smile. "I've been saving replica rations since this started."

"I know Tom will appreciate that, B'Elanna," said Chakotay. "The food he's getting right now is good food, but it's still restricted to foods to keep his blood pressure down. Which can make for rather bland meals."

"I've been on the Doctor's bland diet before," said B'Elanna with a shudder. "That's why I am going to give him a special dinner when he gets out."

"I can't wait to do Captain Proton with him on the holodeck again," said Harry. It's not as fun when he is not there to play the Captain."

"I'm glad the two of you will be there for him when this is over. It may be hard for him for the first few days. Though, from my observations, he has most of the crew's support," said Chakotay.

B'Elanna picked up her tray with her now empty dishes. "I've got to be going," she said. "I want to run some diagnostics in engineering this afternoon. I'm also conducting a drill. I'll see you later." She walked over and placed the tray in the replicator to be recycled.

"Sorry to leave you alone Commander, but I'm due back on the bridge now," said Harry as he collected his tray.

Chakotay turned his attention to his meal, so he could go to his office and go through the stack of reports on his desk. He hoped to have them all finished before he had to go and supervise Tom's next vision quest. He had a feeling that the Doctor would want them supervised as long as Tom was confined. It served a two-fold purpose. If the vision was very intense, there would be someone there just in case Tom needed assistance. It also provided Tom with a little company to help ease his sense of isolation.

At 1500 hours, the chime sounded at Tom's door. He smiled and sat on the floor with his bundle as Chakotay entered the room. Chakotay was well known for his promptness.

As he entered the room, Chakotay noticed that Tom was already on the floor with his bundle. He was glad Tom was beginning to relax around him. It meant Tom's level of comfort with him was increasing. That could only improve their working relationship as well.

"I see you're ready to begin, Tom," said Chakotay.

Tom nodded, "I really appreciate you doing this more than you know, Chakotay. I think I'm finally beginning to make peace with my past."

"I'm glad, Tom. I had issues with my father. He died before I could resolve them. I sincerely hope that we will make it home in time for you to be able to reconcile with your father," said Chakotay in a sober tone.

"I never thought I'd say it, but I hope so too," answered Tom with unmistakable sincerity. He began spreading his bundle out. "I'm ready if you are."

Chakotay sat on the floor beside him. "Place your hand on the Akoonah and concentrate on the bag with B'Elanna's hair. A-koo-chee-moya, We are far from the sacred places of our grandfathers. We are far from the bones of our people. This man seeks to commune with his animal guide to get the answers he seeks. Close your eyes, Tom. Breathe to fuel the light in your belly, and let it expand until the light is everywhere. Now, return to the place of you animal guide."

Tom once again found himself on the African plain with the she tiger. "Hello, she tiger," he said with a broad smile.

"Hello, little one," she answered in her rumbling voice. "How are you today?"

"Well, things are improving. I haven't needed my last two doses of medication. So, that was really good news. No nightmares last night either. Just sweet dreams about B'Elanna," answered Tom happily.

"That is good, little one. Now, tell me about your time with the Maquis," she requested.

Tom swallowed. His guide knew him so well. "Well, after I was kicked out of Star Fleet, I was really angry."

"Who were you angry with, little one?" inquired the she tiger.

"Let's see, Star Fleet, my dad, and mostly myself. If I had done the right thing in the first place instead of lying because I was afraid of what my dad would say and do, I would have never been kicked out of Star Fleet. So, I only had myself to blame. I was still mad at Star Fleet for not giving me a chance to prove myself. I was mad at my dad because he disowned me...I was pretty much mad at the world. I was drinking really heavily too. Alcohol helped numb my feelings of worthlessness. Then the Maquis offered me a job as a pilot. I was excited to have a chance to fly. I had thought I'd never get to do that again. The money would pay my bar bills, and I'd be able to fly," said Tom.

"Were there any other factors involved," asked the she tiger.

Tom was quiet for a few moments and the she tiger waited patiently. "Well, I think on a subconcious level, I saw it as a chance to get even with the Cardassians for changing my loving father into ... into...into the person he was when he came back," answered Tom quietly.

"And when you got caught by Star Fleet?" probed the she tiger.

"It was my first mission. I was flying solo. I was almost back to the Badlands when the _Defiant_ hailed me. I tried to play cool, but they knew the Maquis ship I was in. I had lots of contraband. I knew I had failed in my mission. I was returned to earth and charged with treason. I wouldn't tell them anything. They kept trying to offer me plea bargains if I would give them information on the Maquis. I basically got fed up with them, and finally told them that they could go to hell, because I was not giving up the Maquis," answered Tom. I ended up with a five year sentence.

"Yet, when Captain Janeway came to you, you were willing to help her," said the she tiger.

Tom smiled crookedly, "I told her I'd help her track down the Maquis just to get out. When we approached the Badlands, the location I gave her was not one of our bases. Too many smugglers were in that area for it to be safe. I didn't feel guilty about it. I just did what I had to do to get out of that damned penal colony and be free."

The she tiger nodded. "That is understandable. And your relationship with your Captain now?"

"I don't know. I really disappointed her." said Tom sadly. "I did what I had to do. She said she admired my principles, but that she could not ignore what I had done. She thought I was past this 'kind of conduct.' I told her that my actions did not mean serving under her command had not changed me for the better. I hope she believes that. Now, I have to earn her respect and trust again. That's probably going to take a long time. At least she is keeping me as the Chief Conn Officer."

"You must keep faith and confidence in yourself, little one. What others think of you is not as important as what you think of yourself," said the she tiger.

Tom sighed, "I know, but when others think badly of me, it still hurts no matter what. I just have to overcome it."

"Now, it is time for you to return to your friends, little one. I'll be here for you," assured the she tiger.

Tom opened his eyes and stared at the items from his bundle for a few moments, thinking about something that had been on his mind off and on all day. He turned and looked at Chakotay. "Sir," began Tom in his most respectful tone. Would it be possible for me to have a PADD to record my thoughts on. I think it would help me process a lot of these things I've been experiencing in my vision quests."

Chakotay smiled, "I'll check with the Captain just to make sure, but I doubt she'll have any objections to that." He rose slowly to his feet. "I think it will be very helpful for you to do that."

"Thanks, Commander," said Tom. "I really appreciate it."

"You're welcome, Tom," he replied as he let himself out of Tom's quarters.


	13. Chapter 13

Chakotay strode onto the bridge. When he saw Tuvok in the center seat, he nodded to him and veered towards the Ready Room door. He pressed the chime, and the door slid open.

Captain Janeway was working at her desk. She looked up as he entered. "What can I do for you, Chakotay?" she asked.

"Tom has just completed another vision quest. I didn't observe any signs of duress. Afterwards, he did make a request. He would like a PADD to record his thoughts about the things he's been experiencing in them. He thinks it will help him process what he's learning about himself better," reported Chakotay.

"What do you think, Chakotay?" she asked, knowing that he would know better than she if this would really prove beneficial to Tom.

"I think it's a very good idea. Tom is making progress and him wanting to record his experiences shows a willingness to concentrate on the things he's learning about himself," replied Chakotay.

"Then, by all means, let's give him a PADD," said Captain Janeway in a cheerful voice.

It was the happiest he had seen the Captain in days. He was glad to hear the cheerfulness in her voice. "I'll get one to him right away. I'll see to it personally," replied Chakotay.

"How does he seem otherwise, Chakotay?" she asked. "The Doctor's report sounded encouraging this morning."

"He seems a lot calmer and more relaxed now. I don't see the stress and anxiety that he had early on," reported Chakotay. He looked at the stack of PADDs on her desk. "I've finished all the reports I had to review. If you'd like, I'll take some of those off your hands."

"Thanks, Chakotay," she said in a relieved voice. "I've been having a little trouble staying focused today."

He picked up the PADDs. "We all have days like that every now and then. Maybe you should book some time on the holodeck to relax a little."

"I think I'd rather just take a nice, long, hot soak in my tub. I still have some lavender bath oil. That always relaxes me," she said with a grin. "It takes a lot less effort than playing on the holodeck."

"Okay, whatever works best for you. I'll get a PADD to Tom and take care of these reports." He grinned devilishly at her. "Enjoy your bath." They were both laughing as he walked out of her Ready Room onto the bridge.

He stopped at the center seat, holding up his hand to forestall Tuvok getting up. "Status, Mr. Tuvok?" he asked.

"All systems are normal. We are on course for the Alpha Quadrant at warp 6," reported Tuvok.

"Good enough. I'll be in my office if I'm needed," said Chakotay.

Chakotay headed for Tom's quarters, pausing to pick up a PADD for the young man to use. At the door, the guard as usual sounded the chime to let Tom know someone was being admitted. Tom stood watching, hoping that it would be the Commander bringing him a PADD. When he say Chakotay with his hands full of PADDs, he was hopeful.

"Here you go, Tom," he said, handing him a PADD. "The Captain agrees that your recording your experiences during the quests is a great idea."

Tom's face lit with excitement as he looked at the PADD in his hand. "Thanks, Commander," he said sincerely.

"No problem, Tom. Just continue to use this time to focus on whatever you need to so you can move on," directed Chakotay gently.

Chakotay walked to the door and let himself out. As soon as he was gone, Tom sat in his chair and activated the PADD. "When Commander Chakotay suggested I try contacting my animal guide to help myself. I was willing to give it a try. I had no idea how much benefit I was going to get from it. The she tiger is a million times better than any counselor, shrink, or therapist ever was. For the first time in years, I'm finding peace within myself..."

Tom continued his narration of the events that had occurred in his various vision quests. At times, he paused to wipe tears from his face. Recording his thoughts about the quests was was the most freeing thing he had ever experienced. He was well on his way.


	14. Chapter 14

The days flowed from one to the next. Tom occupied his time with studying material from the Doctor, working out, listening to what he had recorded on the PADD and adding reflections frequently. The vision quests with the she tiger touched on many aspects of his life. She always seemed to know just what was troubling him, or what areas needed to be addressed. It was now his last week of confinement. In four days, it would be all over. He sat on the floor with his bundle waiting on the Commander to arrive. Tom was certain that he could handle the quests on his own, but the Doctor and the Commander thought the quests should still be done under supervision at this point. The chime sounded, and Tom looked expectantly at the door as it slid open.

"Hello, Chakotay," he said. In recent days, the formality of titles had been dropped between them. Tom would still use the titles in the presence of others though.

"Hello, Tom," he answered. "Ready as usual, I see."

Tom nodded. "I enjoy visiting with my guide. She's really wise and always seems to know just what I need to hear."

Chakotay sat down near him. "Well, let's get started so she can impart some more of that wisdom. Place your hand on the Akoonah and concentrate on the bag with B'Elanna's hair. A-koo-chee-moya, We are far from the sacred places of our grandfathers. We are far from the bones of our people. This man seeks to commune with his animal guide to get the answers he seeks. Close your eyes, Tom. Breathe to fuel the light in your belly, and let it expand until the light is everywhere. Now, return to the place of you animal guide."

Tom smiled and walked over to the she tiger. She was lying on her stomach basking in the warm sunshine. He plopped down beside her. "Hello, she tiger," he said affectionately.

"Hello, little one," replied the she tiger. "Today is a very important day." she continued cryptically.

"What makes it so important?" asked Tom cautiously. He now had a feeling that this quest would be intense.

"Today, we will conquer a menace from your past," explained the she tiger. "Place you hand on my back. We will go to another place."

Tom did as he was told, albeit nervously. He had no idea what was about to happen. Seconds after he had placed his hand on she tiger's back, he found himself in what looked like the living room of his parents' home. The only furniture left was the cedar chest he had been shut in so many times as a child. On top of it lay an ax. The blazing fireplace drew his attention from the cedar chest.

Chakotay noticed that Tom had stiffened, then began to tremble. He knew that something in the quest had triggered this reaction. He called the Doctor, who let him know he was already on his way, as the cardiac monitor had alerted him to a sharp increase in Tom's heart rate.

Tom turned back to the she tiger. "That's the chest," he said in a shaky voice. Why? Why did you bring me here?"

The she tiger moved and stood directly in front of him. "Little one, there is no need to fear this chest any longer. You have grown much, and now it is time to end the hold the chest has over you."

The Doctor enter Tom's quarters and quickly came to his side, scanning him. He turned to Chakotay, and spoke in soft, quiet voice. "He is not in danger at the moment, Commander. However, I wish to remain here and monitor him closely. If need be, you may have to bring him out of it."

Chakotay nodded. "I hope I don't have to," he whispered. "I have a feeling that Tom is dealing with something from his life that effected him in a big way. It's just a hunch, but since he is so near to the end of his sentence, it could be something to help him make a major break through."

Tom stared at the she tiger. "How can I end the hold the chest has over me. I can't go back to the past and change the fact that I was shut up in it so many times." Tears streamed down his face.

Both men saw the tears streaming down Tom's face. Each held out hope that Tom would be able to resolve what ever it was that caused him such anguish.

"No, little one, you can't change your past. However, you can release yourself from the hold it has on you. Take up the ax, little one. Use it to destroy the chest. When you have reduced it to pieces of wood, we will burn it in the fireplace. Symbolically, you will release yourself from the pain it has caused you," said she tiger soothingly.

Tom took a deep breath and picked up the ax. He brought it down on the chest with all his might. The loud cracking of wood spurred him to begin viciously chopping the wood.

Tom's heart rate had slowed, but his breathing intensified as if he were engaged in extremely physical activity. The Doctor continued to watch the tricoder very carefully. Tom's vital signs were all consistent with physical exertion.

Tom brought the ax down again and again on the remains of the chest. He finally realized that it was now a mass of splintered wood. He tossed the ax down and looked at she tiger.

"Now, little one, put all of the pieces in the fireplace. Let them burn. In doing so, you will be completely destroying your enemy," rumbled the she tiger.

Tom tossed the pieces into the fire, then sat in front of the fireplace and watched them burn. The she tiger came and sat beside him.

The Doctor snapped the tricoder shut as Tom's readings returned to normal resting limits. "He is stable now, Commander. I will remain with the two of you just in case."

They both watched Tom carefully. He seemed peaceful and calm now. Whatever had gone on had peaked and was apparently over.

Tom stared as the wood swiftly burned. The chest could no longer hurt him. He leaned against she tiger grateful that she'd brought him here. "Thank you, she tiger." He wrapped his arms around her and buried his face against her neck, feeling the love and comfort she was projecting.

"You're welcome, little one. Now that you have faced and conquered your enemy, you will find it no longer has a hold over you. It is time to return to your friends, little one. They have been concerned. I will see you the next time you seek me."

Tom blinked a few times and saw Chakotay and the Doctor sitting in front of him. There was concern on their faces. As they realized he was back with them, they both sighed.

Tom sighed too. "That was intense," he said softly. "But it was worth every second of the quest." His eyes darted to the PADD where he recorded his thoughts and reactions to his visits with his animal guide.

Chakotay and the Doctor realized that Tom wanted time alone to process what had happened during the quest. They quietly got up and let themselves out. Tom nodded his thanks as they left in silence.

He walked over and picked up the PADD. He sat in his chair and pressed the record button. "Today, I faced and conquered one of my worst memories..."

Chakotay knew the Captain would want an update. Upon finding out from the computer she was in her quarters, he commed her. "Chakotay to Janeway."

"Janeway here, what is it, Chakotay?"

"I thought you should be updated on Tom's quest today," said Chakotay. The tone of his voice let her know that something major had happened.

"Meet me in my quarters immediately," she ordered crisply.

He arrived at her quarters and was immediately admitted. She gestured for him to sit on the sofa as she retrieved drinks from the replicator. She walked to the sofa. She had her coffee in one hand and his tea in the other. She handed him his tea as she sat on the couch.

"So Chakotay, tell me what happened." she said.

"Whatever he encountered, it was very intense at first. Enough so that the Doctor joined us. I was prepare to pull Tom out of the trance if I had to," said Chakotay.

"Did it come to that?" she asked.

He shook his head. "Tom's vital signs stayed within safe limits. For a while, it seemed that he was involved in some sort of physically intense activity. Then, he became calm and quite peaceful. About a half hour later, he came out of the trance on his own. He seemed even more introspective than he had been in from previous quests. The Doctor and I left him when we saw he wanted to start recording his impressions on the PADD."

"I'm glad he was able to complete the vision quest," said Captain Janeway quietly. "It must have been something really major he had to deal with."

Tom shut off the PADD and wiped his eyes again. These were not tears of pain, but tears of relief and happiness. He felt as if a huge weight had been lifted off his shoulders. He sat at the table to eat the supper Neelix had dropped off for him. The warming tray had kept it hot. When he finished his meal, he stripped down to his briefs and tee shirt. As he lay down to go to sleep, he was certain that tonight's dreams would be peaceful and happy.


	15. Chapter 15

The next morning, Tom sat waiting for Neelix to bring his breakfast. While he waited, he was indulging in one of his hobbies very few people were aware of. He was drawing. He had started drawing when he was around five. He loved drawing, especially designing space ships. His dad had been very encouraging about his talent, as long as he drew and designed ships. Other drawings were glanced at and and handed back to him without comment. Right now, he was concentrating on drawing she tiger.

As he had drifted off to sleep last night, it had occurred to him that his artistic ability might be another outlet in addition to recording his thoughts on the PADD to help him process what he was learning from his animal guide. The first thing he had decided to draw was she tiger. He felt that a lot of the progress he had made was because of her, so doing her first was his way of showing that. When the chime sounded he closed his sketch book and moved to the table.

Neelix entered with a tray. "Good morning, Tom."

"Good morning, Neelix," answered Tom as he took the tray from him. "Smells really good. Thanks for bringing it."

"You're welcome, Tom," replied Neelix. He turned and left, knowing that unnecessary chatter was still not really allowed, though no one was really enforcing it all.

Tom began uncovering the dishes. Oatmeal, toast, fruit, milk, and coffee. Tom picked up the mug of coffee with a smile. Right now the Doctor was allowing him one cup a day. He wondered if anyone would be able to take the Captain on only one cup of coffee a day. The Captain with only one cup of coffee a day was a scary thought. He sipped the comforting hot beverage slowly, savoring it. He sat the mug down and began eating his breakfast.

Not long after he had finished, the Doctor came in for his daily checkup. "Well, Tom, how are you feeling this morning?"

"Actually, I feel great," replied Tom with a smile. "I slept better last night than I have in years."

The Doctor scanned him with the medical tricoder. After a few moments, he snapped it shut. "Well, Tom, you are doing well physically. All of your vital signs are within normal limits. I still want you to wear the monitor until you are no longer confined, just to err on the side of caution."

"No problem, Doc," said Tom.

"Unless any problems arise today, I'll see you tomorrow morning," said the Doctor, as he walked to the door.

As soon as he was gone, Tom picked up his sketch book and opened back to the drawing he was doing of she tiger. It was almost finished. Settling into his most comfortable chair, he began sketching again. Today, he had decided to skip studying the texts the Doctor had given him and draw as a therapeutic outlet.

Shortly before 1500 hours, Tom put his art materials away. He had spent the entire day except for meals sketching things from his vision quests. The drawings that reflected destroying and burning the chest had taken the longest.

As he sat waiting for Chakotay, he spread his items out before him on the floor. He picked up the wings and thought about how much flying machines had changed from the time his ancestor had worn these. He sat them back down and picked up the miniature replica of the Delta Flyer B'Elanna had given him. How he missed her. Just a few more days, he reminded himself. The chime sounded, and he set the miniature Delta Flyer down as Chakotay entered the room.

"Hello, Chakotay," said Tom with a friendly smile.

"Hello, Tom," replied Chakotay. He sat on the floor beside Tom. "I know yesterday's quest was a little rough. Are you ready for today's?"

Tom nodded, "I'm ready as I'll ever be. Even rough visits with my animal guide are good, because she helps me deal with issues."

"Place your hand on the Akoonah and concentrate on the bag with B'Elanna's hair. A-koo-chee-moya, We are far from the sacred places of our grandfathers. We are far from the bones of our people. This man seeks to commune with his animal guide to get the answers he seeks. Close your eyes, Tom. Breathe to fuel the light in your belly, and let it expand until the light is everywhere. Now, return to the place of you animal guide."

Tom opened his eyes and as usual saw she tiger basking in the sunshine. "Hello, she tiger," he said as he walked over to sit with in on the sun warmed grass.

"Hello, little one," she answered.

"Today, I started a new project to help me with processing all the things I'm learning. I've started sketching things I see in vision quests with you," said Tom.

"That is a good use of your talent, little one," she replied. "Will you share your drawings with your mate?"

"Well, Chakotay said it would offend my animal guide if I spoke its name, and you are in a lot of the pictures," said Tom in an uncertain tone.

"I don't object to you sharing with mate, little one. She is a part of you. You need to share with her much more than you do. At times, she feels that you shut her out," advised she tiger.

Tom looked down at the ground, accepting the truth for what it was. He knew that he kept a lot from B'Elanna. He looked up at she tiger again. "I am going to work on doing better at sharing things with her. I really love, and I can't imagine my life without her."

"Have you told her that, little one?" asked she tiger.

"I've told her I love her," said Tom. "But I don't do it often enough. She is a lot like me. It took both of us nearly dying for her to tell me. We don't speak our hearts very well. I am determined to do better with her in that regard."

"That is a wise choice, little one. She who is your mate needs assurance as much as you do. Both of you had issues with your fathers. It affected both of your abilities to trust others. She tried to contact her animal guide once. Unfortunately, she tried to kill him. Perhaps you can guide her into a proper relationship with her guide as Chakotay has guided you," said she tiger.

"I'll try," said Tom. "She can be really stubborn. Maybe sharing my drawings and the things I've learned will encourage her to reach out to her animal guide in a more positive manner."

Chakotay was relieved that Tom appeared to be happy and content on this quest. After whatever he had experienced yesterday, he needed a positive experience. Tom had grown tremendously since he had started talking to his animal guide. He wondered how much of that growth would carry over once he was no longer confined to his quarters. Tom seemed to be very sincere about what he was doing, so there was always hope.

She tiger stood and slowly stretched. Tom did so as well. "Little one, heed what I have told you about she who is your mate. She needs much love and support. The loss of her friends in the Maquis weighs heavy upon her. Heavier than anyone imagines. It is time for you to return to your friends now. Good bye for now, little one."

"Good bye she tiger," whispered Tom softly.

A few moments later he opened his eyes. Chakotay was sitting in the same place he had been at the start of the quest.

"Everything okay, Tom?" he asked.

Tom nodded. "It was a very peaceful visit. She told me some things that I will need to work on when my days are up."

"Well, I'll leave you to think about what you've learned. Hang in there, Tom, it's just a few more days."

"Thanks, Chakotay," said Tom.

As the Commander let himself out, Tom walked over to his chair, picked up the PADD and sat down in the chair to prepare to record his thoughts on the quest.


	16. Chapter 16

Tom awoke the next morning after another peaceful night's sleep. Sweet dreams of his soon coming reunion with B'Elanna had been the only thing he had dreamed about. Just two more days, he reminded himself. He got up and made ready for his day.

Promptly at 0700, Neelix arrived with his breakfast. "Good morning, Neelix," said Tom as he took the tray from him.

"Good morning, Tom," answered Neelix. "Enjoy your breakfast."

"I will," answered Tom. "See you at lunch."

Neelix walked out and Tom sat down and began eating his breakfast. After tomorrow, he would be eating in the mess hall with his friends and fellow crew members. He was eager to see his friends and be back to piloting Voyager again.

Upon finishing his breakfast, Tom pushed away the tray, got his sketch pad, and settled in his most comfortable chair. He flipped it open to the picture he had drawn of B'Elanna the night before. He brushed his fingers longingly over her face. He had framed her face with a heart, roses, and love birds. He vowed that when he got out, she would no longer have any doubts about his feelings for her. He would show her every day in every way.

He turned to a fresh page and began drawing both he and B'Elanna in the spacesuits on that fateful Day of Honor. The day they both had come so close to dying. Why he hadn't told her that he loved her when she told him, he didn't know. His heart had ached that they would die in the cold vacuum of space without being able to touch and hold each other close without the suits on. Captain Janeway hailing them had been the sweetest sound he had ever heard other than B'Elanna telling him she loved him. He had known then that he and B'Elanna would still have a chance for a loving future together.

It had taken a couple of days afterwards to get to talk to her. When he gave her a chance to back out, his heart nearly stopped when she told him she had really meant what she said on the Day of Honor. What would have happened after he kissed her remained a mystery because the Doctor had interrupted them. While the Doctor talked to him, B'Elanna had slipped away. Later, after he and the Doctor had patched up from the horrifying experiences with the isomorphic projection that had tried to kill her, they had flirted a bit in sickbay. Later that night, they had met...

Tom smiled at the memory of that night. A light snack, talking about themselves, their hopes and dreams for their new-found relationship, and then passionate love making. Since that time, they spent most of their free time together. At first, some were skeptical, but eventually everyone had to eat their words of doubt.

He was so caught up in drawing, that before he knew it, Neelix was there with his lunch. Tom ate quickly, wanting to get back to the drawing. It was nearly finished. The only picture that had taken longer and that he had taken greater pains with was the one he'd drawn of B'Elanna the night before.

Shortly before Chakotay was due to arrive at 1500 hours to supervise his visit with she tiger, Tom was finally satisfied with the drawing. He flipped the sketch book closed. Then, he picked up his bundle, sat on the floor with it, and spread his things out. As he waited, he wondered what she tiger would share with him today. He was jarred out of his musing by the door chime announcing the arrival of Chakotay.

Tom looked up as the door slid open and Chakotay walked in. "Hello, Chakotay," he said in a friendly tone.

"Hello, Tom," replied Chakotay. "I see your ready as usual. I spoke with the Doctor, and after tomorrow, we both feel that you can try to contact your animal guide on your own."

"Sounds good to me," answered Tom.

Chakotay joined him on the floor. "Ready to begin?" he asked.

"As soon as you are, Chakotay," answered Tom.

"Place your hand on the Akoonah and concentrate on the bag with B'Elanna's hair. A-koo-chee-moya, We are far from the sacred places of our grandfathers. We are far from the bones of our people. This man seeks to commune with his animal guide to get the answers he seeks. Close your eyes, Tom. Breathe to fuel the light in your belly, and let it expand until the light is everywhere. Now, return to the place of you animal guide."

Tom opened his eyes and was surprised to see she tiger sitting in his quarters. Chakotay was no where to be seen, so he knew he was indeed on a quest. "Hello, she tiger," he said.

"Hello, little one," she responded. "Yes, we are in your quarters today. Your life on Voyager began a major change in your life. So today, we must explore it."

Tom's confidence in she tiger did not waver in the least. "I know you have my best intests at heart, she tiger. I am ready for what you want to show me," answered Tom respectfully.

"Your first days in the Delta Quadrant, you began proving yourself. You assisted in finding Harry. You saved Chakotay, even though you did not care for each other very much at the time," began she tiger.

"That much is certain," said Tom wryly. "But there was no way I could let him die."

"You risked your own life to save his," commented the she tiger.

Tom shrugged. "I did what had to be done."

"Which you did many times over in the past several years as you served on Voyager," said the she tiger. "You protected B'Elanna long before she was your mate when the Vidians captured you."

Tom frowned, "I was in command of that mission, we lost Durst. I wasn't able to protect him."

"However, even Mr. Durst did not blame you. He reminded you that they were the ones with the guns, little one. He also knew that you had the skills he lacked to help B'Elanna," she tiger reminded him.

"I know," replied Tom. "But I hate losing anyone under my command."

"This time it was not your fault, little one. Don't let guilt rule your heart. Mr. Durst would not want you to suffer in that manner," she tiger gently reprimanded him.

"I'm working on it," answered Tom truthfully.

"You accepted an undercover mission from Captain Janeway to flush out a spy, knowing that you could easily die in the attempt. You resisted the temptation to tell anyone as they counseled you about your behaviors as a malcontent. Because of you, ultimately, the Maquis spy was discovered and Voyager was saved from the Kazon," she tiger reminded him.

Tom smiled, "Yeah, it was sort of fun to play act. I never thought those drama classes mom and dad both wanted me to take would really help me as a Star Fleet officer, but they certainly did."

"Yet another time when your bravery saved your crew mates was when you piloted the shuttle to get help when the Kazon attacked Voyager and later stranded the rest of the crew on the planet in the Hanon system. Had it not been for you, the crew would have perished, and the Kazon would have set up a reign of terror with the power of Voyager at their disposal," said she tiger.

"That was a tough mission," admitted Tom. "I was not sure if I was going to be able to survive it. I only knew I had to try to do whatever I could to help the others."

"Time and time again, you put your life on the line to save others. That is the true mark of one who loves others. The Doctor included all of your activities in his report to Star Fleet when your ship sent him through alien relay network. Everyone was impressed that person you have become. You have grown much," said she tiger.

Tom frowned, "But does everyone include my father. If I had only been able to get that message. I can't help but wonder why the header said Admiral Owen Paris, Starfleet Command. Was it because he sent it from his office, or was it meant as an extra stab in a message where he heaped more scorn and abuse on me?"

"Little one, you must completely let go of your anger and resentment of your father. He and any opinions he may have don't control your destiny, you alone have control of yourself," said she tiger in a reproving tone.

"I know," said Tom with a sigh. "I just wish I knew. Not getting the letter was disappointing."

"Well, little one," began she tiger cryptically. "Some day you will know what was in the letter. However, now it is time for you to return to your friends. Remember, you are the one who controls yourself, not your friends, not your father, not your foes."

Tom found himself sitting on the floor with Chakotay still sitting in front of him. He blinked a few times and took a deep breath.

"Are you okay, Tom?" asked Chakotay. He had observed no signs of stress in Tom during the quest, but somehow, Tom just didn't seem quite right.

"I will be," said Tom quietly. "The old girl just gave me a lot to think about. Especially with what she said right before my quest ended."

Chakotay smiled at the way Tom referred to his animal guide. He certainly seemed to have bonded well with her. "Well, I'll leave you to think about what she said to you. See you tomorrow at 1500 hours."

"Thanks, Chakotay," said Tom softly as he continued to reflect on what she tiger had told him.

Chakotay slipped out quietly, knowing that he would be fine.

Tom gathered up the items for his medicine bundle, pausing to kiss the bag with B'Elanna's hair. Then he got the PADD and settled himself in a chair to record his thoughts.


	17. Chapter 17

Tom turned the PADD off. He felt better. Recording his thoughts had helped clarify what she tiger had been trying to teach him. He picked up his sketch pad and began to page through it. So many pictures had been drawn after rough missions.

When he had left the ship to flush out the Kazon spy, he had entrusted the book to Captain Janeway for safe keeping. She had been surprised by the talent he had kept hidden from so many. Upon his return, she encouraged him to share his talent with others. Thus far, only the Captain and Harry had been privy to his sketch book.

He stopped at the picture he had drawn after he and B'Elanna had been rescued from the Vidians. He called it The Three Faces of B'Elanna. With a pyramid as a background, he had drawn each face at one point. The B'Elanna he knew and loved was at the top. On the bottom corners were her human self and her Klingon self. Putting B'Elanna at the top was his way of saying that she needed both sides of herself to be the unique woman she was.

As he looked at page after page in the sketch book, memories of past missions came back. He had changed so much since Voyager was stranded in the Delta Quadrant. He was not the same angry young man Captain Janeway had taken out of Auckland.

He flipped back to a blank page and began to sketch his father. Not the angry father who was seldom pleased with Tom, but the loving father who read to him every night. Even after being held by the Cardassians, his father wasn't always angry and hurtful. Tom knew that he had also disappointed his father. He knew from his own experiences that hurt could make a person say things he or she did not really mean. Suppose all the letters he refused from his father when he was in the penal colony had been his father's attempts to make amends. He knew chances were he would never know. He firmly decided that if any contact whatsoever from his father came by way of whatever technology they might encounter, that he would accept it.

The door chime sounded, and Tom realized it had to be Neelix with his supper. He looked up as the door slid open. Neelix walked in and sat his tray on the table.

"Here you go, Tom. Hope you enjoy it," said Neelix as he walked to the door.

"Thanks, Neelix," said Tom as he made his way to the table. He sat down and lifted the covers. He smiled when he saw a steaming bowl of tomato soup. There was also a grilled cheese sandwich, milk, and jello. He knew after tomorrow, he'd probably be back on mess hall food. In a way, he didn't mind. The special diet was starting to get as boring as the Leola root had.

After he had finished his supper, he turned his attention back to the drawing of his father. Drawing his dad as he remembered him in the rocking chair in his room reading to him gave him a warm feeling of comfort. Times such as the one he was depicting had been the happier moments after his father had been rescued from the Cardassians. He wondered about that time, and why his father had been so adversely affected and Captain Janeway, who had been held captive with him had not. Then he recalled his feelings about not being able to save Durst. His father could have felt the greater blame for the situation was his fault because he had not been able to protect Captain Janeway and the others from the Cardassians. Tom had suffered nightmares after being held by the Vidians, but he had managed to cope for the most part. He recalled hearing snatches of conversations from people who thought he was too young to understand what they were talking about. It was right after his father and the others were rescued from the Cardassians. It was strange the things one remembered at the oddest times. He shuddered as he recalled some of what they said his father had been put through. No wonder his father had suffered from Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome. It was a shame no one had realized this at the time and saw that his father had gotten the help he needed.

Just as he was closing the sketch book after putting the finishing touches on his drawing the chime announced someone was about to enter. He sat the book aside and stood as the Doctor entered the room.

"Hi, Doc," said Tom. "I didn't realize it was that late."

"It's 2100 hours," said the Doctor. "The same time I always come to check on you. What had you so occupied that you lost track of time?"

Tom pointed to the sketch book on the table by the chair. "I've been drawing things I see in my quests. That along with recording my thoughts on a PADD help me process what I am learning from my animal guide."

"I was unaware of your talent in that area, Tom. Perhaps sometime in the near future you could show me some of your artwork," said the Doctor.

"Sure, Doc," said Tom cheerfully. "I'll bring my sketch book the next duty shift I have in sickbay. I've been drawing since I was five. I use art when I need help unwinding after my shifts end."

The Doctor opened his medical tricoder and scanned Tom. Snapping it shut, he smiled at him. "Nothing wrong with you that a good night's sleep won't cure. Don't stay up too late drawing," admonished the Doctor. "You only have tomorrow left, and you need to be well rested before resuming your duties."

"I'll be in bed by 2200 hours, Doc," promised Tom. "Same as every night since my animal guide said I needed to stay on a schedule."

"Good, see to it that you are," said the Doctor with a smile. He walked to the door and let himself out out.

Tom began to tidy things up so he would be in bed on time as he promised the Doctor. Only one more day, he reminded himself. After tomorrow, he would once again be a free man.


	18. Chapter 18

The next morning, Tom awoke at his usual time. Last night's dreams had been of the happier times he had spent with his father. He felt peaceful about his father for the first time in years.

He was ready when Neelix brought in his breakfast. He was happy to see that he had blueberry pancakes. His mom had made them for the family every Sunday as far back as he could remember. Those along with orange juice, sausage, and coffee made a very nice breakfast. He throughly enjoyed it.

After breakfast, he picked up one of the PADDs the Doctor had given him to study. He had not studied much in the past few days. He had been doing a lot of drawings related to his vision quests. So, he thought that today he would focus on his studies. There was no way to know when he would be called on to use the knowledge, and he wanted to be ready.

He was deep in study when the chime sounded. He looked up from the PADD and saw the Doctor walking towards him. He sat down the PADD and waited for the Doctor.

"Good morning, Tom," said the Doctor. "I see you're studying one of the medical texts I left for you."

"Yeah, I've been a little lax the past few days. I was working on processing the things I have learned from my animal guide," admitted Tom.

"Both are equally important tasks, Tom. Working on dealing with issues from the past that affect you is just as important as your medical studies," said the Doctor as he opened the medical tricoder and began scanning Tom. "Tom, your stress and anxiety levels are a little higher than they have been. Is anything troubling you?" asked the Doctor with concern.

"Just wanting today to hurry up and be over," said Tom. "I can't wait for tomorrow."

"That's understandable, Tom," said the Doctor. "Everything will be fine tomorrow. More people than you think are waiting for you to get out. Meanwhile, don't overdo today." He snapped the tricoder shut and picked up the PADD Tom had been studying. "Don't worry about studying today. I want you to relax and be ready to resume your duties tomorrow."

"Yes, sir," said Tom. Though he was not sure how he would spend the bulk of his day now.

The Doctor walked to the door and let himself out. Tom wandered aimlessly around his quarters. This is the last day, he reminded himself. He stood by the view port staring out at the vastness of space. Some day, they would be back in Federation space. But was that home, or was Voyager home? Slowly, Tom realized that Voyager had become his home. He turned and looked at his quarters. He was content here. More content than anywhere he'd ever been in his life. He was home.

B'Elanna sat in the mess hall reviewing information on a PADD when Harry sat down with her. "Hi, B'Elanna," said Harry. He pointed to the PADD. "What's up?"

"I'm making plans for dinner with Tom tomorrow night," she said with a smile. "I know he likes Italian. I'm working on a menu." She held out the PADD to Harry.

"Hmm, ceasar salad, lasagna, garlic bread, Dolcetto, and Amaretto Cheesecake. Sounds delicious, but what's Dolcetto?" asked Harry.

"It's an Italian wine," answered B'Elanna. "Tom and I have had it before. It's really good."

"Well, I am glad you are going to be there for him, B'Elanna. Tom is really going to need support. The first Senior Staff briefing might be rough on him too," commented Harry.

"Well, I'll be sitting beside him during the meeting," said B'Elanna.

Harry nodded. "That's good. I know that a lot of folks respect Tom even more since he stood up for what he believed in."

"Well, Harry," said B'Elanna. "I've got to get back to engineering. I have lots of work to do. I want to make sure that everything is in good order down there, so I can spend tomorrow evening with Tom."

"See ya later, B'Elanna," said Harry as he turned his attention back to his lunch.

Up in her Ready Room, Captain Janeway pondered Tom's return to duty tomorrow. She wanted him to know that while she had been forced to discipline him, he was still a valued and trusted member of the crew. She wasn't sure if she should talk to him or just have him resume his duties with nothing said. He would be a part of the Senior Staff briefing. Maybe that was all that was needed for his first day. Tom had really disappointed her. She was glad that the Moneans had agreed to let her handle the situation. It had taken a good deal of negotiation to get them to agree. She couldn't imagine having to leave a member of her crew behind. She took a deep breath to help her center herself. It would be over at 0700 hours tomorrow. She had missed Tom's light banter on the bridge. He certainly kept everyone on their toes.

In his quarters, Tom had finished his lunch and was listening to everything he had recorded on the PADD. Contact with she tiger had really changed his outlook. He had grown more in the almost three weeks that he had been in contact with her than he had in all of his years at the academy. The last entry finished, and Tom turned the PADD off. Knowing Chakotay would be there in a few minutes to supervise his quest, he got his bundle, sat on the floor and spread his items out. He sat quietly waiting. When the chime sounded, he looked expectantly toward the door. Chakotay entered quietly and joined Tom on the floor.

"Hi, Chakotay," said Tom.

"Hello, Tom," began Chakotay. "I know we said that today would be the last day I would supervise you, but if you don't think you're ready, I'll be glad to keep assisting you."

"Thanks, Chakotay, if I have any problems, I'll call you," said Tom gratefully.

"Shall we begin," asked Chakotay.

When Tom nodded, Chakotay began. "Place your hand on the Akoonah and concentrate on the bag with B'Elanna's hair. A-koo-chee-moya, We are far from the sacred places of our grandfathers. We are far from the bones of our people. This man seeks to commune with his animal guide to get the answers he seeks. Close your eyes, Tom. Breathe to fuel the light in your belly, and let it expand until the light is everywhere. Now, return to the place of you animal guide."

Tom opened his eyes and found himself in the sunny African grasslands. She tiger was lying on her stomach looking at him expectantly. He hurried over to her. "Hello, she tiger."

"Hello, little one," she replied.

"Today's the last day of the sentence Captain Janeway gave me," said Tom excitedly. "And after today, Commander Chakotay and the Doctor say I can attempt to contact you by myself."

"That is good, little one. You have grown much," began she tiger. She stared directly into his eyes. "Because you have grown much, you are ready to see something from the past. Place your hand upon my back, close your eyes, and we will go there. We will be as unseen shadows. The things we will see are shadows of that which was."

With an implicit, childlike trust, Tom placed his hand on she tiger's back and closed his eyes.

After a few moments, he heard she tiger's voice. "Open your eyes, little one."

Tom was surprised to find himself in his father's office at Star Fleet headquarters. More surprising was the fact that a picture of himself sat in a place of honor on the Admiral's desk. Owen Paris seemed to be very excited about something. He could scarcely sit still. Tom wondered what the cause of the excitement was. The door to his father's office opened, and his mother walked in.

"Mom," cried Tom in delight.

"She can't hear you, little one. We are as unseen shadows here. What we see are merely shadows of what was," she tiger reminded him. "Now, little one, listen and observe."

Tom complied with she tiger's directive and watched carefully.

"Elizabeth," began his father. "We've found a way to send messages to Voyager through that network of alien relay stations. I've already done a letter to Tom. I was too excited to wait till I got home. You and the girls need to get your letters ready to send. All the families of Voyager's crew Star Fleet and Maquis alike are being allowed to send messages."

Elizabeth hugged her husband tightly. "I'll let the girls know right away, Owen. I'll get their letters and mine to you before the day is out."

The scene around them faded to black. "Gee," said Tom softly. "Dad seemed really excited and happy."

"Indeed, he did," said she tiger. "Now, there is more for you to see. This was a few days later."

Once again, Tom found himself in his father's office. Owen was busy working at his desk. A buzzer sounded, and he looked up. "Come," he said.

A Star Fleet Commander walked into the office. "Walter," began Owen. "What can I do for you today."

"Admiral, I'm afraid I have some bad news," began Walter.

"What's wrong, Walter?" asked Owen as he moved to the edge of his seat wondering what the news could be.

"The alien relay network we were using to send the messages went dead. There is no way to tell if the messages reached Voyager or not," said Walter.

Owen Paris did not say a word. All of the color seemed to have drained from his face. "Is there any chance it can be restored," he was finally able to get out.

"I'm sorry, sir. We just don't know enough about the technology to fix it," said Walter softly.

"Dismissed," said Owen in morose tone.

After Walter walked out of the room, Owen Paris picked up his son's picture and stared at it. Tears began rolling down his cheeks. "We will find a way to reach all of you. I promise we will, Tom. I promise."

The scene faded back to the African grasslands. Tom had tears streaming down his face. She tiger, rubbed her head against him. "Ah, little one, you understand. Seeing this had to wait until you were ready to accept it."

"Thank you, she tiger, thank you," said Tom through his tears.

"You're welcome, little one. Now it is time for you to return to your friends. Remember what you have learned today. It will serve you well in the future," said she tiger.

Tom opened his eyes and realized he was in his own quarters. He wiped the tears from his face. When he saw the concern in Chakotay's eyes, he gave him an quavery smile. "It's ok, Chakotay, these are happy tears."

Chakotay nodded, glad to know that. He also realized that Tom really needed some privacy after this quest. So without a word, he quietly got up and left Tom's quarters.

Tom stared gratefully after him, knowing Chakotay had understood his need to be alone. He walked over to his chair, picked up the PADD, sat down, pressed the button and began recording his thoughts.


	19. Chapter 19

Tom sat restlessly in a chair. It was almost 0700 hours. Today, he would be released from confinement. He drew in a deep breath. Ten more minutes, he told himself. He jumped when the chime sounded. He wondered who it would be. Too early for the ever punctual Tuvok. The door slid open and the Doctor walked in.

"Good morning, Tom," he said crisply. "I wanted to check you over before you are released this morning." He flipped the tricoder open and began scanning. "You're fit to resume your duties. I'll also remove the cardiac monitor now." He reached up and plucked the monitor off. "I'll see you for your sickbay shift tomorrow. Have a good day." The Doctor left, and Tom sat back down to wait for Tuvok.

Precisely at 0700, the chime sounded and Tuvok entered with B'Elanna at his heels. Tom smiled. Tuvok looked a little annoyed. Tom had a feeling that B'Elanna had refused to take no for an answer.

"Mr. Paris," began Tuvok in an official tone. "Your time in solitary confinement is over. You will resume all of your normal duties this morning. I would suggest that you eat breakfast now, because you are expected at the Senior Staff briefing at 0800 hours."

"Yes, sir," said Tom. But his eyes were on B'Elanna.

Tuvok nodded and left. As the door slid closed, he swiftly closed the distance between he and B'Elanna nearly crushing her in an embrace. "I've missed you so, much," he whispered huskily.

"I've missed you too, Tom," she breathed. Lifting her head, she kissed him passionately. "But right now, we have to get to breakfast. We can't be late for the briefing. Tonight, I have plans for us. Special plans," she purred.

"I can't wait," he murmured burying his face into her hair, inhaling her unique scent. "You're right though, we'd better head to the mess hall."

Pulling away from each other, they headed to the door. It slid open and they walked out. As they strolled down the corridor, people greeted them with friendly smiles and cheerful good mornings. Tom was warmed by their response to him. He knew he still had the respect of the crew.

"Hello, Tom," said Neelix cheerfully as he and B'Elanna stood in the serving line to get breakfast. "Try the ham and cheese omelets. Everyone seems to like them."

He turned to B'Elanna. "Sounds good to me, what do you think, B'Elanna?"

"I had them last week, they really are good," she replied.

"Well, with a recommendation like that, how can I pass them up," said Tom with a smile. They got their food and went over to "their" table in the corner of the mess hall. As they ate, she filled him in on all that had happened in the past thirty days. As they ate and talked, more members of the crew stopped by to greet Tom. This is where I belong he thought. Here on Voyager with the woman I love and people who are my friends.

They finished breakfast and made it to the conference room with five minutes to spare. Tom briefly hesitated at the door. B'Elanna could sense his nervousness.

"Don't worry, Tom," she whispered. She gave his hand a quick squeeze, and then she activated the door. They walked inside and took their usual seats at the side of the table by the view ports. As the others drifted in, they all smiled encouragingly at Tom. This helped him to relax somewhat.

Finally, Captain Janeway and Chakotay walked in and took their places. Everyone respectfully turned their attention to their commanding officers.

"Good morning," said Captain Janeway, as she looked around the table with a smile for each member of the senior staff. As she looked at Tom, she observed that he seemed to be very calm and poised. Good she thought, it looks like he's going to be okay. She picked up a PADD. "First order of business, Astrometrics has found a Class M planet 7.47 days away along our flight path." She turned to Seven. "Report, Seven," she said crisply.

"The Class M planet appears to have rich supplies of minerals and food sources. It also appears to have a warp capable civilization. It is not a planet that has been encountered by the Borg, so I do not know if they are friendly or hostile at this time," reported Seven.

"Thank you, Seven. B'Elanna, how are things in engineering? I know you've put in a lot of extra hours lately," said the Captain.

"Everything is in good shape, Captain. Although, I would love to see what types of minerals that Class M planet may have. I'm always eager to stockpile supplies," answered B'Elanna.

Captain Janeway smiled, she may have had a few initial doubts about B'Elanna as Chief Engineer early on, but B'Elanna's skills soon alleviated all of her concerns. There was no one single person on the ship more qualified than she was to serve as Chief Engineer.

"Thank you, B'Elanna." She turned to the Doctor. "Doctor, your report."

"I am pleased to report that there are currently no health problems at this time," he said smugly. "I've also completed all the physicals that are due for the month.

"Very good, thank you, the Doctor." She turned to Tuvok. "Mr. Tuvok, any security concerns I need to be made aware of?"

"None at the moment, Captain. However, as we near the Class M, I will run a series of drills as a precaution."

"Excellent idea, Commander," she said. Finally, she turned to Chakotay. "Commander Chakotay, do you have anything to add?"

"Not at this time, Captain," he said.

"Good, you're all dismissed to report to your stations," she said crisply.

Before they rose, B'Elanna gave Tom's hand a gentle squeeze. "I'll see you at lunch," she whispered. They walked out, she to the turbolift, and him to the conn station.

He tapped Baytart on the shoulder to let him know he was being relieved. Tom listened carefully to his report and then sat down and ran a quick systems check as was his habit. Everything was working normally. He sighed and settled in for the morning part of his shift.

Captain Janeway had stopped Chakotay as he was about to leave. "How does Tom seem to you this morning?" she asked.

"He seems to be handling his first day back without any problems," said Chakotay carefully. "He should be fine."

"I hope so," said Captain Janeway. "We really need him at the conn. Shall we go to the bridge?"

Chakotay nodded and followed her. "Captain on the bridge," called Harry.

Captain Janeway went to her seat and sat down. Chakotay sat down in his seat beside her. Captain Janeway turned to the Ops station. Anything to report, Mr. Kim?" she asked.

"All systems normal, Captain," he responded.

"Good." She turned back, "Mr. Paris, report,"

"On course for the Alpha Quadrant at warp 8.5, steady as she goes," said Tom smoothly.

"Good," she answered. She turned to Chakotay. "I'll be in my Ready Room going over reports, Commander. You have the bridge." With that, she got up and strode to her Ready Room.

Chakotay watched Tom carefully, but could detect no change in the young man's demeanor. Good, he thought. Tom seems to be at ease whether the Captain is on the bridge or not.

Shortly before the bridge crew was due to be relieved for lunch, B'Elanna stepped off the turbolift and onto the bridge carrying a PADD. With a quick nod to the others, she walked to the Ready Room door and pressed the chime to request entry. The door slid open. She walked in. The Captain looked up.

"What do you have for me, B'Elanna?" she asked.

"I've reviewed the report from Astrometrics," she began. "I've complied a list of various minerals that sensors say are they, as well as recommendations for where to store them," said B'Elanna in a calm professional tone.

The Captain review the information. "Good work, B'Elanna," she said. She sat the PADD down. "I plan to have complete systems diagnostics ran on all the bridge stations this afternoon. I would like you to handle the engineering station personally."

"I'll start it right after I have my lunch," said B'Elanna. "Is there anything else?"

"No, dismissed," said Captain Janeway as she picked up the next PADD to review its report.

As she entered the bridge, she saw Tom briefing his relief. She smiled at the perfection of her timing. Tom turned to go to the lift. Seeing her, he gave her a bright smile. "Are you free for lunch?" he asked her.

"Yes, care to go to the mess hall with me.?" she asked with a flirtatious smile.

"That sounds like a great idea," he said huskily.

Chakotay smiled as the two of them entered the turbolift. He caught amused expressions on the faces of the relief crew. Tom and B'Elanna were the most firmly established couple on the ship. He stood up. "Mr. Tuvok, you have the bridge." He walked to the Ready Room.

Captain Janeway smiled when he walked in. "Ready for our 'working lunch,' Chakotay?" she asked.

He walked over to the replicator and quickly ordered their lunch. "Now I am," he said as he carried the tray over to her desk.

"Mmm, smells good, Chakotay," she said. She picked up her fresh cup of coffee and drank deeply. "Let's see if we can finish up these reports quickly. I want complete systems diagnostics ran on all the bridge stations this afternoon. I want both of us to be on the bridge for that."

"Agreed," said Chakotay.

In the mess hall, Tom and B'Elanna sat at their usual table eating lunch and talking.

"Now, Tom, after shift, I want you to change into civvies...your blue shirt and black jeans to be precise, then come to my quarters. I have a special dinner planned for you tonight." B'Elanna's eyes glowed with excitement.

"I wouldn't miss it for the world," said Tom sincerely. "I've missed you so much. I can't wait to spend some quality time with you."

"Well, I'll be on the bridge this afternoon," began B'Elanna. "The Captain wants complete systems diagnostics ran on all the bridge stations this afternoon. She wants me to take care of the bridge engineering station personally."

"Ah, I'll have to concentrate even harder on my station." He gave her a smoldering glaze. "You tend to 'distract' me in ways I love to be distracted."

She chuckled warmly. "Just wait until tonight, Tom," she purred seductively as she rubbed her foot along the calf of his leg. Tom's quick intake of breath made her smile. "Just see to it you finish your diagnostics on time, Tom. I've been waiting way to long for tonight for any delays."

"I'll be done in record time," he said in a breathless tone.

"Good, lets get back to the bridge so we can get started," said B'Elanna.

They put their trays away and headed for the bridge.


	20. Chapter 20

Tom was running the diagnostics on the conn station. So far things were going very smoothly. If things kept going this well, he'd be through with plenty of time to spare. As he worked, he was acutely aware of B'Elanna at the engineering station behind him to the right. Her perfume wafted through the air tempting him to turn around. He resisted only because the Captain was seated in her customary spot behind him.

From her vantage point in the center of the bridge, Captain Janeway watched her officers working on various stations. Since in a matter of days they would be encountering a warp capable civilization they had absolutely no data on, she wanted to make sure the ship was up to par. Hopefully, they would be friendly, but more times than not that had not been the case. If they could barter for the materials B'Elanna wanted for engineering and more food items, Voyager should be set for some time. She got up walked to the Ops station intending to walk the circuit and check the progress of each station's diagnostic. She put on hand on Harry's shoulder and the other on his console. "Looks as if you are about finished here, Harry," she said with a smile.

"Just this one last sequence, and I'll be done," replied Harry.

"Good work, carry on," said Janeway. She walked down to the conn. B'Elanna, Chakotay, and Harry watched unobtrusively when she laid her hand on Tom's shoulder as she had often done in the past. Tom did not react negatively to her touch, which reassured his three friends about him. "Tom, looks as if you've just finished."

"Yes, ma'am," replied Tom easily. "The diagnostics of the conn are finished. All navigation systems are fully functioning at optimal levels."

"Great job, Tom. No one can handle the conn diagnostics like you can," said Captain Janeway. She moved on to the engineering station. "B'Elanna, how are you coming with your diagnostic?" she asked.

"I should be done in about five minutes," she replied. "No problems noted."

"Excellent, keep up the good work B'Elanna," said the Captain. She walked over to the tactical station. "Tuvok, have you finished your diagnostics?" she asked.

"I have completed them. All security systems are functioning within normal parameters," answered Tuvok.

"Carry on, Tuvok," she said as she walked back down to her seat. After she sat down, she tuned to Chakotay. "Everything seems to be going smoothly. I just hope our first contact with the inhabitants of that Class M planet go as smoothly."

"I hope so too," he replied. "It would be nice to find friendly aliens without some sort of agenda. Any opportunity to get supplies is always good."

"B'Elanna gave me a list of minerals she can use and plans for storing them," said Captain Janeway. "If we can get all of them, it will help her make repairs a lot easier."

B'Elanna smiled as she made the final adjustment to the engineering bridge station. She was done. The Alpha shift would be ending in a few minutes. Then she would be able to make up for lost time with Tom. The replicator was already programmed for their meal. Her outfit for the evening was lying on the bed. As she thought about the bed, her blood simmered. Pacing, she reminded herself...pacing...dinner and talking, then... She was startled out her thoughts by the ensign relieving her. She quickly briefed him and stood up. Tom had just finished briefing his relief as well.

They walked to the turbolift together. As the doors slid open, the entered alone. Harry and Tuvok were still briefing the crewmen who were relieving them. The Captain and Chakotay were still on duty for the next half hour. She smiled at Tom, "Remember, the blue shirt and the black jeans. I'll be waiting." She resisted the temptation to kiss him. The doors slid open and he hurried to his quarters as B'Elanna remained in the lift to go to the deck where her quarters were located.

Tom quickly stripped off his uniform and pulled the requested garments out of the closet. He dressed quickly and put on the aftershave that he knew was B'Elanna's favorite. He picked up his sketch book and headed for B'Elanna's quarters.

In her quarters, B'Elanna quickly changed into the little black dress she knew Tom loved to see her in. She touched up her makeup and hair. Then, she spritzed herself with the perfume Tom had given her as a gift. The table was set, all she had to do was get the food from the replicator. The chime sounded and then, the door slid open and Tom walked in.

She stared at him for a few moments, drinking in every aspect of him. Then, she moved catlike towards him and pulled his head down to hers for a kiss. Their lips lingered in a loving kiss. When they parted, she took him by the hand and led him to the table. He sat down, never taking his eyes off of her. She was so beautiful. He sat his sketch pad on the floor beside his chair and waited expectantly. She brought two salad bowls to the table along with some crusty garlic bread. Sitting those down, she went back to the replicator and returned with the bottle of Dolcetto. She poured wine in each of their glasses.

Tom raised his glass in a toast. "To us," he said softly. B'Elanna clinked her glass against his. Then they both took sips of the wine.

"Eat your salad, Tom," said B'Elanna softly. She picked up her fork and began eating. Tom followed suit. "This is really good, B'Elanna," he said softly. "Thanks for everything."

"I'm glad you like it, Tom," she replied softly.

They continued eating the salad in a companionable silence. When they had finished, B'Elanna cleared away the salad bowls and came back with the lasagna. Tom smelled the steamy fragrance, and smiled. "You're too good to me, B'Elanna," he said with a sigh.

She set his plate down and gently rubbed his shoulder for a few moments. Then she sat down and began eating. Tom ate slowly, savoring the spicy flavor. He couldn't keep his eyes off of B'Elanna. The flickering candlelight brought out the soft highlights in her hair.

B'Elanna noticed his unmoving gaze. "What is it, Tom," she asked gently.

Tom wiped his month and smiled tenderly. "You're so beautiful. I don't know what I would do without you." He reached across the table and tenderly cupped her face in his hand. "I love you so much," he said gently.

B'Elanna reached up and covered his hand with hers, reveling in his touch. "I love you too, Tom."

Tears shone in his eyes as he continued to gaze at her. After several moments, she moved her hand and he pulled his back. With shy smiles, they began eating the lasagna again. They kept exchanging secret little smiles as they ate. Passion was simmering in the air. Each wondered how they had managed to survive without the other.

When the last bite of lasagna was eaten, B'Elanna took the plates. "I'll be right back with dessert, Tom. I did a little research. I know you like Italian food. I hope you like this."

"I'm sure I will," said Tom with a smile. He watched her as she walked to the replicator, enjoying the way her dress clung to her every curve.

She returned with two servings of Amaretto Cheesecake. She sat the plates on the table, eagerly watching for Tom's reaction. His eyes lit up. "B'Elanna, you must have spent a fortune in replicator rations on this meal."

"Well, I ate in the mess hall the whole time you were...you were..."

"It's okay, B'Elanna, you can say it. The whole time I was confined," said Tom gently.

"Yeah," she said softly. "Well, I wanted to make our reunion extra special."

"You certainly have," he told her as he gently squeezed her hand. She sat down and they began to eat the cheesecake. Tom poured more wine into each of their glasses.

"Mmm," she said softly. "This is really good." She looked at Tom waiting to see how he liked it.

"It sure is, B'Elanna," he said. "Thank you for being so good to me."

"Anytime," she said lightly.

After they finished the cheesecake, Tom picked up his sketch pad. "B'Elanna, let's take the rest of the wine and sit on the couch for a bit. I have some things I want to share with you."

The sincere expression on his face told B'Elanna all she needed to know. Tom was going to let down his barriers more than he ever had before with her. She picked up the wine and the glasses and followed him to the couch.


	21. Chapter 21

Tom and B'Elanna sat on the couch. She poured more wine in each of their glasses. She handed a glass to him and waited patiently to hear what he had to say.

Tom opened the sketch pad to the place he had marked. It was she tiger's picture. He showed her the drawing and began. "This is my animal guide. One of the things we talked about on one of my vision quests was the fact that sometimes you feel like I shut you out. I have to admit, I have been guilty of that. She tiger said I need to share more of my life with you, including her. She's right. I'm starting tonight."

He looked B'Elanna in the eye. "I know you have wondered about the nightmares. My dad was a loving father until he was taken prisoner by the Cardassians. That changed him. He...he was never the same." He turned the page and pointed to the cedar chest he had drawn. "When mom and my sisters weren't home and dad decided I needed to be taught a lesson, he'd shut me up in the cedar chest. That's what the nightmares about him are mostly about. When I got too big for the cedar chest, he'd shut me up in the hall closet."

B'Elanna put her arm around Tom. "That's terrible. Did you ever tell you mom or anyone what he was doing?"

"No," answered Tom. "I was afraid to. I didn't think anyone would believe me. Dad's 'public persona' was different. It was almost like he was two different people. I was also afraid of what he would do if I did tell."

B'Elanna shook her head. "No wonder you and your father didn't get along."

"It was weird, during those same years, he would still read to me every night. Our favorite book was Jules Vern's 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea. He never minded having to re-read that book. Those were the times I knew that somewhere deep down, dad really did love me. I couldn't understand why he acted the way he did other times," said Tom quietly.

"Well, I recall you saying that you understood him better after studying the material the Doctor gave you on Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome. I think you're right about your dad suffering from it," said B'Elanna gently.

"That's one of the reasons I tried to keep the dreams a secret from everyone. It was not entirely dad's fault." He turned the page.

B'Elanna saw the saw cedar chest with an ax on it. She looked questioningly at Tom.

"In a vision quest, she tiger decided it was time for me deal with the chest," said Tom. "We were in the living room of my parents' house. The only things in the room besides us were the chest, an ax, and the fireplace with a blazing fire." Tom stared across the room as if he could see the scene before him for a few moments.

"So, what happened?" asked B'Elanna.

Tom turned to the next page. "I took the ax and started chopping up the cedar chest." The drawing showed Tom chopping the chest. "It was weird, it was almost like I was out of control." He slowly sipped some wine. "When it was reduced to pieces, I stopped and threw the ax down." He again turned the page. The next drawing depicted him standing before the rubble that was all that remained of the cedar chest. She tiger told me to put the pieces in the fireplace, so that they would be completely burned to ash." The drawing on the next page showed Tom and she tiger sitting in front of the fireplace watching the wood debris burn.

B'Elanna snuggled closer to Tom. "Did it help?" she asked.

"Actually, it did," admitted Tom. "That night, I didn't have any nightmares." He kissed her temple softly. "Your suggestion to Chakotay that I try finding my animal guide has made a huge difference in my life."

She looked up at him. "I'm glad, Tom."

"On another vision quests, she tiger and I discussed you." He turned the page to the picture he had drawn of B'Elanna. He looked at her to see what her response was going to be.

"Tom, this is...it's..." B'Elanna stammered.

"It's not as nearly beautiful as you are, B'Elanna," said Tom softly. "It was during that quest that she tiger told me how I needed to be more open with you. I told she tiger that I loved you and couldn't imagine my life without you."

B'Elanna looked up from the drawing and smiled. "I wouldn't want to even try to imagine my life without you, Tom."

He turned to the next drawing.. She saw the two of them drifting in space in environmental suits. "The Day of Honor," she said. "The day I finally found the courage to tell you I loved you."

"I know. After Voyager rescued us, I felt like a jerk for not telling you that I loved you too. Then when we avoided each other, I was so afraid you didn't mean it. When I stopped you in the corridor and you told me you did really mean it, my heart almost stopped."

"I remember that day," she began. "I gave you an easy out, but instead, you kissed me."

"I consider that our first 'true' kiss. The ones during your blood fever...well...," Tom blushed.

"I know," she said in an understanding tone. She reached down and turned the page to see the next drawing. It was a man in a rocking chair holding a book. She looked questioningly at Tom.

"Yeah, that's my dad. I wanted to reflect the good times with him too," admitted Tom. "I always felt safe when I was lying in bed listening to him read to me."

B'Elanna reached down and turned the page again. When she saw the blank page, she looked up at Tom. "Can I see your earlier drawings, Tom?"

"Sure," he said with a nod of his head and turned to the front of the sketch pad.

"I replicated this sketch pad during my first year on Voyager, not long after the Vidians stole Neelix's lungs. That Vidian was the first picture I drew. By the time Neelix was breathing on his own with Kes' lung, I was so stressed out, that I decided to take up my old hobby of drawing."

"You certainly did a good job on the Vidian," commented B'Elanna with a shiver. Tom drew her closer with the arm he had around her.

"Some of the pictures may bring back some bad memories for you. Are you sure you want to see them?" asked Tom in a concerned voice.

"That which does not kill me makes me stronger," quipped B'Elanna as she turned the page. She immediately recognized Sandrine and Ricky from Tom's holoprogram. She stared at the drawing thoughtfully for a few moments. "Tell me about Ricky, Tom."

"Uh, Ricky," he began. "Actually she wasn't based on a real person. When I was growing up, most of the girls my age wanted to be around me because of my father's position. I created Ricky for holoprograms around then. She loved me for who I was, not what position my dad held."

"Well, I love you for who you are," B'Elanna assured him as she kissed his cheek.

They continued to page through the sketch pad, looking at various drawings. Some were related to things that had happened to them on Voyager, others were just the product of Tom's fertile imagination.

She paused when she saw a drawing with the title, The Three Faces of B'Elanna. The faces were set against a pyramid. At the top was a drawing of her as she was. On the bottom left corner was her face as her human self, and on the right corner was her face as her Klingon self. She gazed up at Tom, an unasked question in her eyes.

"I drew that after we were held prisoner by the Vidians," said Tom. "To me, it represented that both your human and Klingon halves combine to make you the unique person you are."

B'Elanna smiled and kept staring at the picture. Tom wondered what she was thinking. The fact that she was smiling was encouraging.

"Tom," she began softly. "Could I have this drawing?" She looked at him, hope gleaming in her eyes.

"It's yours," he said simply. "I'll even replicate a frame for you to put it in." He was relieved that she was not upset by the picture. Instead, she had liked it so much she wanted it for her own.

She closed the sketch pad and sat it on the table. Tom raised his eyebrows and looked down at her, waiting for her to make the next move. She pulled him close, wrapping her arms around him. For a few moments, she just stared into his blue eyes. Then she lifted her lips to his and met them in a passion filled kiss. Tom readily responded, pulling her as close as he could.

After long moments of exploration, they broke the kiss. Tom stood up and carried her into the sleeping area of her quarters. The thirty days were over and they were together again at last.


End file.
